Hey Queen-Westers,

Seen: R, shamelessly hocking products in the name of B. Why? It’s that time of year again: chestnuts roasting in your plasma wall-mounted fireplace; Jack Frost nipping at your penthouse elevator door. And just when you thought this season of giving couldn’t give any more, this Gossip Girl stumbled on the personal wish list of Upper East Side queen bee Blair Waldorf. Love headbands more than your Mom? Girlhate your bestest for being prettier than you? Here’s a little something special to bury your rich girl pain.

Since you may or may not be secretly documenting your frenemies’ murderous pasts, there is no may-not option when it comes to camera phones. All the cool kids have BlackBerry Pearls, and therefore so should you. In red. (A bargain $449.95, or free if you sell Rogers your soul.)

Soulless? Ease your pain with weekly delivered chrysanthemum deluxe artistic bouquets ($100), bi-weekly massages ($120/each), and salon blowouts of your distinctly un-blonde locks (avoid Little J’s mullet for a mere $45 a pop). You’ll also need your very own live-in verbal punching bag/maid Dorota (minimum wage, if you must) to stomp your Louboutin booties in front of ($1345).

And don’t stop at your feet: since you never ever wear pants, you’ll need a million pair of grey-toned tights, preferably the stay-up garter variety — if you’ve ever played your v-card in a limo, you understand what I mean ($7.99). Alternate your Zac Posen cocktail dress ($455) with your schoolgirl kilt (bill to Mom). A bowed headband ($10) or a Hermes scarf ($345) ensures a single hair is never out of place.

Preppy-perfect ain’t easy though, so have Chuck’s limo (free, if you earn it) drop you at weekly therapy (fees vary depending on your personal level of crazy). Talk through your binge (brandy pumpkin cheesecake, $44) and purge (breath mints, $4). Cause don’t you hate it when your BFF’s BF’s Dad turns out to be your Mom’s new man? And he’s tv’s token fugly old man dwarf? Inconceivable!

But don’t let all these abstracts cramp your yearning for material satisfaction. Stuff your stocking with candles for unsuccessful seductions, more headbands, and Lancome serum for those pesky frown lines ($72). Cause if B can force a smile-ish smirk amidst this Christmas recession, may Gossip Girls everywhere find a little holiday cheer. And by cheer, I mean a whole vintage bottle of Dom Perignon ($585).

You know you love me, xoxo.