So, let’s start with the obvious: having a cheeseboard in the first place says a lot about you already, and what it says is, “Nice to meet you, I am spoiled.” Cheese ain’t cheap, my friends, and neither are all the bougie accoutrements that often make their way onto whatever glass/stone/Jamie Oliver-approved found wood surface you’re serving from. Fresh grapes? Various chutneys? Whatever the hell ‘quince’ even is? It’s all a lot.

And okay, maybe your life isn’t a parade of different cheese platters, but if you can’t spoil yourself at the holidays, when can you, eh? With that in mind, there’s a lot to think about as you peruse your local* artisanal cheese boutique (*That place your mom recommended that you took a streetcar and two buses to get to.). As Aristotle once said, “My cheeseboard, myself.” And so it is with yours. What are YOU saying when you wheel out the main event at your holiday party? LET’S. FIND. OUT.

Brie: You’re a traditionalist and a people-pleaser. Ain’t no one gonna be mad at some brie.

A Sharp Cheddar: You’re a smart woman who’s going to make a delicious sandwich tomorrow. Versatile yet unassuming, a sharp ched is often the undersung star of a cheeseboard, despite usually being the only cheese already in place in the fridge prior to board-ing.

Blue: You’re not afraid to mix things up. I once brought a ripe blue to a party that was so stanky it cleared the room. The host made me throw it away. I am basically the embodiment of a rebelle fleur (©Rihanna).

Boursin: You grew up proper rich and you don’t care who knows it. This shit is like an $8 version of some Philly herb and garlic spread. It is also insanely delicious and probably what actual heaven is made of, so make your choices accordingly.

Harvarti: You forgot you were having a party and borrowed this from your roommate. It doesn’t really make sense here but damn if you’re not just going to pop it on some baguette with a chili jam anyway.

That fancy Guinness cheese: You have a “would say hi to each other on the street” level relationship with your favourite cheese vendor, and that’s okay.

Chèvre: Unless you are French, you need to calm down. It’s called goat’s cheese.

Wensleydale with Cranberries: You are a goddamn genius. As far as I’m concerned you could do an entire board that was just differently-sized portions of Wensleydale. Fruit and cheese go together like fruit and cheese, if you know what I’m saying. Wensleydale with apricots = also perfect. Goat’s cheese with blueberries, also great. Walnut, apple and Jarlsberg, completely fine. Pecorino w/ a bit of pear? Make it work. Fruit with ch– okay, you get it. Cheese + Fruit = best friends forever. Now you know.

I was maybe exaggerating with the whole Aristotle thing, earlier. I mean, he DEFINITELY said that, but I think ol’ A overestimated how judge-y people are and underestimated how much people love cheese. Once that plate comes out the only thing anyone’s gonna be thinking is “Why aren’t there more knives and will anyone notice if I eat this with my hands.”

So grab a variety of crackers, breads, and whatever the hell ‘quince’ even is, and cheese up, mes amies. Cheese up.