Behind my rib cage, I feel the uncertainty in my stomach. It turns upside down when someone asks me, “So, what do you do?” I mumble a reply: “I’m in…transition,” and hope the uneasiness in my voice will stop the inquiry. It doesn’t.

****

We hope that fate will bring us nice things like morning sex, monthly income, and Flat Whites, but that’s not always the case. More often, fate brings terrible things like sleepless nights, period cramps, runny noses and terminated contracts. In such circumstances, we then try to rationalize why bad things happen to innocent people.

I’m writing this column to help unemployed women see the glossy lining in full-time unemployment because, let’s face it: it’s easy to feel sad and pathetic when you’re constantly being rejected and having to explain yourself to a city of workaholics and aspiring Internet celebrities. It’s like being a unicorn with its horn cut off – tragic, beautiful and confused.

It didn’t take long to realize that my “I’m in…transition” response wasn’t working so well. Mumbling, my reply felt too polite and vague. It was obvious I needed to change my answer to something sexy. That’s when I started wearing my unemployment proudly, like an expensive winter coat from Aritzia with the tag still on.

Now, instead of waiting for the inevitable “What do you do?” I bring it up right off the bat. “Hi, I’m Sarah. I’m SUPER unemployed! Living, loving and laughing is my job right now.” People are thrown off by the over-confidence and intrigued to learn more. Talk about unemployment as if it’s employment – it’s simple and less likely to lead to humiliation. The shame cycle is a slippery slope when you’re unemployed.

Unemployment is all about how you swing it. As of yesterday, I declared myself a Freelance Friendship Consultant. It’s a full-time job that involves complaining about first-world problems and exercising trust with my three best girlfriends. As a Friendship Consultant, I’m responsible for booking the next hangouts, negotiating brunch spots, recommending perfumes and discussing existential issues nobody has any control over. The business is booming with my three best friends, and I can always guarantee plenty of life reassurance, positive vibes and links to ass-thumping Nicki Minaj videos.

It doesn’t pay, because my current Freelance Friendship Consulting rate is $0, and I’m a #goodperson. But membership fees apply to new girlfriends, and I’m also offering VIP friendship consulting ($20/month) to friends-of-friends, colleagues and attractive city folk with nice sneakers. There’s hope at the end of my income-less rainbow.

Since embracing full-time unemployment, positivity has brought me a long way. I’m free to make my schedule, go for (cheap) brunch on Tuesdays when everyone else is working, and explore alternative methods of income off the Internet. There’s no better time to be unemployed than now because you’ve got all the time in the world to do free things: vote, visit the Toronto Reference Library, read about Karma Sutra, watch YouTube videos and start a blog about diva cups. Imagination has never felt this useful.

Not everyone can handle being unemployed, but some can. And if you learn the tricks and practices of “funemployment,” you’ll be able to bide time before starving to death in the cereal aisle of FreshCo or picking up quarters outside Apartment 200.

Remember ladies: being unemployed can be fun and cool. With so much extra time and zero responsibility, now is the time to elevate personal hygiene, masturbate in the daytime and work out more. The options are limitless when you’re unemployed in the city!