When I first began having the intercourse at the late-bloomer-age of 21-years-old I knew very little.

I was aware that the penetrish was involved in some capacity, but had no clue what, where, how, why, or how the cunnilingus participated in the act. I wouldn’t have been able to provide the regular or urban dictionary definition of cunnilingus or describe its features or identify it in a lineup.

I knew the basics were “head in crotch for a period of time until vague climax was achieved” but beyond that I was as ignorant as my mother claims she is. Vaginal oral sex was “The Great Mystery” of my teens and early twenties. In my young, naive mind, it was shrouded in a blanket of inexperience, unfamiliarity, and episodes of Sex and the City that I did not understand.

This was mostly due to the lack of sexual organs in my presence. While most of my friends were gettin’ down with their bad selves and the bad selves of others, I was still putting vibrating self-exfoliation tools/electric toothbrushes/back massagers on my privates and hoping that whatever happened previously when I did that happened again.

I was illiterate in the language of my own downstairs parts. I thought that the vagina included the “weird flappy foldy thingies” and the “urethra” was the “g-spot” and a “vulva” was a synonym for the anus. I had heard of this magical, majestic, mythic creature which many referred to as “clitoris” but I was not cognizant of its power(s).

In addition to blatant incomprehension of my nether regions, I had sinking feelings of inadequacy, insecurity, and awkwardness in regards to an individual providing orgasms for moi. I mean, if the orgasms were being provided via peen in vag things would have been totally cool, ‘cause he would have been enjoying himself as much as I was enjoying myself. But if it was just me partying hard at an oral event where I was the only guest, I was extremely concerned that the host didn’t have an interest in me being there and only sent the invitation to said party out of obligation.

Thankfully, when I hit my mid-twenties there came a serious turning point in this story. One night I had a revelation (and by revelation I mean mind-blowing clit-induced spasm). After beginning a new romantic exchange of emotions with a male, I became curious about “The Great Mystery” once again and had a serious desire to solve it.

I inquired about his interest in the going down in the town. He happily and immediately accommodated my request and although at first I was absolutely thrilled I noticed myself rapidly falling back into my routine of feeling inadequate, insecure, and awkward. It took some major attitude adjustments and me becoming comfortable with my own skin before I could truly accept the satisfying surge of ecstasy I craved so badly. I frequently wondered if he was having fun, if he was having a lot of fun, and if he was still having a lot of fun.

Once I got over my worry about HIS fun-having and focused instead on MY fun-having, my-oh-my-oh-my did I quickly realize what I had been missing out on for years. That one request kick-started some of my central obsessions, which today include: cunninlingus (obvi), female empowerment, and asking for sex junk.

I was reflecting back on this journey recently and began thinking about what thoughts within my head (both versions) amounted to this sexual liberation. After ruminating for a good chunk of time I have came up with the following 100% true conclusions.

I deserve to experience pleasure ‘cause everyone does especially women #selflove2015
It took me a while to accept this as fact but goddamn, it is such fact it should be instantly approved to be on a Wikipedia page titled “All Humans are Worthy of Gratification Across the Board and That is Fact so Accept it as Fact”. Women are wrongly socialized to believe our purpose in life is to GIVE, not RECEIVE, and that is just pure, stinkin’ doo doo. Not only can we give AND receive we can also sometimes just RECEIVE if that’s how the dice rolls that evening. If the man I am bumping stuff with doesn’t finish for whatever valid reason and I do, I am no longer panicked by this outcome ‘cause I recognize now that I DESERVE to experience sexy time joy.

It’s the only way I get off with another human (shout out to my vibrators for doing it sans tongue)
Fingers were good and all but I gotta admit they really didn’t do the trick as well as a good old fashioned mouth does. Penetrish also has never hit a homerun. So it’s the mouth, or it’s mediocre, and I choose the former.

Def no baby-making being engaged in and that is an excellent relieving sensation
Invariably a plus in everything.

It’s mad educational
So, I figured out where that magical, majestic, mythic “clitoris” resides and baby I won’t forget its exact location for the rest of my existence. That button is marked, tagged, and its coordinates have been permanently programmed into my titillation GPS. I can provide precise directions for drivers wanting to travel down that road. Until I discovered these directions through trial and error I couldn’t supply a modicum of guidance. Now, I am an expert in the topography of my vulva.

A lotta folks genuinely like doin’ the deed
Not going to lie, I have encountered a couple of gents who described performing the service I speak of as “not their favourite thing to do” to which I usually responded “BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO HISSSSSS.” But overall, the majority of the ones I’ve horizontal tangoed with were wholeheartedly DTC (down to cunnilingus). And not only are they DTC but they rejoice in DTCing and it starts up their engines as well. And if they’re not DTC then I’m definitely like…. BUH BYE NO THANKS DON’T NEED YOU SEE YA GOOD LUCK TO YOU NOT REALLY THOUGH.

I used to negotiate my sexual contentment for my partner but those days are long gone. I have developed a healthy dose of self-respect, self-dignity, and self-wanting-tongue-on-clit-y and I ain’t never goin’ back to my pre-cunnilingus life.

Jess Beaulieu is a writer, comedian, and feminist from Toronto, Canada. She co-hosts a weekly podcast about periods called The Crimson Wave available on iTunes. Follow her on Twitter: @msjessbeaulieu