Hey there chipmunks and chipettes… It’s been a while since I’ve written anything and that can be attributed to my laziness and my lack of having left the house in about a month. Oh sure, I go to work and all that, but pretty much at 5:01 I would be out the door, on the subway, and on the way back home. Then, when weekends roll around, I pretty much spent them in bed, or more recently, playing Warcraft. Yes, dear readers, I have become a homebody. But, with the new year rolling around, all that’s gonna change. So here’s my resolutions redux from last year. Last year I was all, I’m going to drink less and not be such an embarassment to myself. Funk that noise, I say! I do drink less, and I’m fucking boring now.

This year, I resolve:

Get Out Of My Comfort Zone And Into Kenny Loggins’ Danger Zone:
I resolve to not say no to stuff people suggest. Maybe this year, rather than hit up yet another night at Fly or some nameless gay bar, I will say fuck it and yes to that invite to Wicked. Or when someone suggests this after-hours they heard of, rather than go home for my sad nightly routine, I’ll go hit the town. Who gives a shit if I get home at 6am? I’m only young (does 55 count as young?) once! Maybe instead of going to Stone’s Place for some doucherock, I’ll go to Philthy McNasty’s for some doucherock! I’d love to not be so married to the West end…. Maybe this year, I’ll say yes to the invites I get to go East! Did you guys know that the city has a whole fucking town East of Church? It’s true! Anyway, this year, I’d like to say yes to more stuff, whatever it may be.

Be Less Fat, Fatty:
For the one reader who has read all of these (Hi Mom!), you might remember that I said I was going to diet, oh, about a year ago this time. And yeah, I did join a gym. Yeah, I lost a little weight. Then I got complacent. Pizza Hut really and truly is delicious. It’s hard to say no to! So this year, rather than saying no to things (see above), I’d love to just take a bit and be done with it. Did you know it’s not neccessary to finish an entire medium pizza to yourself? Because I didn’t get the memo. In the same line of thought, did you know that if you go to Mongolian Grill (bt dubs, make that your resolution anyone who hasn’t been yet… Pacific Mall, holla!) you don’t have to enter an eating contest with your friends? Because I sure didn’t. And the reason I never have any extra cash? I take a cab everywhere! So in order to pad my pocket and be green or some other bullshit (fuck you, environment), I resolve to try and walk anywhere that’s less than ten blocks.

I’m Hung Up On You:
I’ve outlined my post-drinking days for you guys before. Basically they amount to me, with my head in my hands muttering about what a huge drunk asshole I am. Inevitably, when you call your friends to appologize, they say that you weren’t that bad. Well, with a few hilarious outliers which I’ll tell you guys aboot one day. But for the most part, the anxiety I experience after drinking is a product of a hazy memory and guilt. But why should you being drunk and telling your friends you love them (or you think their boyfriends are hot…. whoops), be a big deal? It ain’t. I’ve never started a drunken fight, never driven drunk, never had drunk sex — wait, nix that last one. But for realsies, fuck it! Everyone around you is as drunk, or, according to my secret plan of ordering shots for people around 12:45, drunker than you so calm the fuck down! This year, in the absence of any drugs to do it for me (someone, please get me some Ativan!), I resolve to try and freak out less about being a freak the night before.

Write My Articles In A More Timely Fashion:
Because I don’t want to deprive you guys of my vast stores of hilariousness for too long ever again.

Happy New Year!