When I’m bored, I manufacture drama in my life. It’s part of a big gaping character flaw that’s followed me around since I realized that without drama, my life is one big boring sequence of days. I swear, I’m not a boring person – weird, sure – but not dull. Like everyone else in the city, I’m balancing career and personal projects, while keeping up a part-time job at a coffee shop that makes me feel like a humble comrade in the hustle of the service industry. Essentially, I’m doing what everyone else is doing. Nothing special, just a different mix of jobs and people I regularly see. Yawn.

Don’t get my wrong, I’m not mean to people; that’s evil. I just need to refill my gas tank of harmless personal drama to make things interesting. My life is a stale piece of bread without it. Nothing much new happens anymore, except for the weather and new wrinkles I can’t get rid of. My days are happily spent consuming my time with work, casual dating or making social appearances around tacos, beer and ice cream. Outside of that, it’s up to me to make my life interesting – and the only way to do this is by stirring the pot. As part of my daily ritual, I find new outlets to reinvent myself, act out irrationally or cause fights with whomever I’m dating. Manufacturing drama is a gift. It takes time, energy and a lot of overthinking to create a crisis out of something invisible.

If you’re seeking advice on how to add invisible drama to your life, you have to go looking for it. The first thing I do is stare at myself in the mirror. I find a zit, then make myself believe it’s the onset of adult acne. OMG! Then, I look through my phone book. I like to keep things interesting by texting anonymous one word greetings to people I haven’t spoken to in a while. Like “Hi!” This opens up a dialogue for potential drama with ex-lovers or friends I haven’t seen in a while. Call me crazy, but it works every time. Drama is what feeds my soul and makes me feel things intensely, like regret, shame, euphoria and empathy. There are ups, downs, stress, and eureka moments. Boring people miss out on these types of things because they’re too busy watching House Hunters or shopping for mattresses. ZZZZZZZ.

I’ll go ahead and say it: I’m a shit head. There! Are you happy now? This explains why most of my text messages begin with “OMG!” “Holy shit! You won’t believe what just happened,” “FML” and “Please Kill Me.” These are by far, the most important segues to set the stage for made-up drama. Roll the drums…the story I’m about to tell you has escalated into significant ring-da-alarm news. Just last week, I ran into an old fling and I literally-almost-died. Okay fine, I didn’t almost die. But practically. There we were, standing in front of Tokyo Smoke, making small talk. It was awkward, and I hated every moment of it. And instead of brushing it under the table, I added it to my catalogue of drama to tell my friends and laugh about later. Ugh! Why does this stuff happen to me? So much drama! FML!

Then there’s work drama. Most of my work-related drama is rooted in real things, but it’s exaggerated because I’m stubborn and get defensive over little stuff. I say this very seriously, because when I think too much about it, I can easily make myself believe anything. [Insert self doubt and panic here] Nobody likes me! Everybody hates me! I’ll never be a good at anything! I think I’m dyslexic! I can’t function normally! People think I’m stupid! Everyone is angry with me! Throughout my life, I’ve used these statements to build larger narratives that cause a healthy level of stress in my life. I constantly must “prove myself” to an invisible audience I’ve created in my head. Who are these beautiful people? I don’t know. I’m demented.

At this point, you may strongly relate to me or completely hate me because I’m a “Drama Queen.” Nobody wants to admit that they’re a drama queen, but I don’t mind. It’s nice to be the queen of something, even if it is drama. Think about it in terms of retired people: for our entire lives, we’re working to save money and spend it on important things (houses, dogs, kids, fancy espresso machines and nice furniture), eventually leading up to retirement where we’ll move to a beach and live happily ever after. The reality is that most people don’t want to retire, because they’ll be tremendously bored. And the only thing left to wait for is death. Pretty shitty, right?

That’s why old people are the biggest drama queens of all. They don’t have work to stress about anymore, so they fuss about small things that feel like a very big deal – like their aching backs or grey hair. Now I know I’m far from retirement, but that doesn’t mean I don’t get bored too. I’m bored 75% of the time. By nature, I need to change my routine, eat different stuff and poke people I shouldn’t. Behaving badly is very important to me, and when it comes to personal fulfillment, I like to write ridiculous articles like this one to be the Devil’s Advocate. Lord knows there are enough articles telling you how to eliminate drama in your life. Hell no! Get more of it! Feel all the emotions, get wound up, stressed out, angry and join a boxing class. Zen is so outdated – and hot yoga smells like stinky broccoli farts.

Drama is a wonderful thing. It’s what motivates us to be emotionally charged people. My best friend Brodie knows when I’m being a drama queen, and she’s not afraid to call me out. Then we talk it out. Purge the drama. And BOOM. We’re closer than ever. Even in my romantic relationships, I try to be honest with the people I’m seeing when I’m feeling emotional or need to create drama out of nothing. Flashback to a few weeks ago, when the guy I was seeing made a joke that my hair sheds a lot. My response: “HOW DARE YOU! It’s not my fault that my Damage Therapy Shampoo isn’t working! That hurt my feelings! It’s over! The end.”

Before I get carried away about Damage Therapy and why my grandma gave me hair that naturally falls out, let me get back to my point: Drama is the fuel to fire. Without it, we’re all marching in single file to the end of the road, where the majority of us will retire, lose all of our hair, go crazy, and die in a bed that smells like a cleaning wipe. So let’s make the most of it and be shit heads together. Now follow my lead, stir the pot, and please stop being boring and doing things right all the time. There’s a whole world of drama waiting for you.