The Ultimate Way To Spend Canada Day

Hot tramp, I love you so.

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Samuel de Champlain

Sometimes I get told I look like her. I prefer that to Phoebe from friends, but would rather Jennie Garth from Bev Hills.

ZANTA!

Susur Lee

Skinn-a-ma-rinky-dinky-dink, Sinna-ma-rink-y-doo

A very wholesome TV show

A very not wholesome meal.

Pea Soup, a Canadian favourite?

David Suzuki

POLKAROO!

Anne of Green Gables

Gnome Painting Party

However, as much as I love salaciously lolling around a lake half drunk snacking on tender bits of sausage, I feel as though more traditions are in order than torching the sky and getting fat.

I’ve been doing a relaxed poll this week where I ask people what they do to celebrate Canada Day, what traditions they have – the answer seemed to be unanimous:

I think of how I’d ultimately love to celebrate Canada Day, and given all the resources – including bringing historical figures back from the dead and turning fictional Canadian characters into real life people – as well as renting a million dollar Muskoka cottage for a weekend; this is the imaginative storyline of what I would want to ensue:

As I do Pilates with the sun in my eyes glittering off Lake Joe, Joni Mitchell is parked in the corner strumming a guitar and singing about urban sprawl, while Jane Jacobs smiles longingly; her head nodding in approval. David Suzuki yells to all of us cottage guests about consumption and jarringly flicks a light off from the dark loft which causes John Candy to lose his footing and fumble. KURPHUMPH! Eugene Levy gazes up from his Globe and Mail to raise a brow.

Oblivious to the commotion, Trudeau is sauced in the living room bitching about the FLQ and Mick Jagger while Pamela Anderson tries to do tequila shots from the nook of her bosom.

Annoyingly, Sharon, Lois and Bram lash out accusations that someone’s been stealing cookies from the cookie jar – making everyone c-r-a-z-y, 123456 switch while FEIST 1234’s ‘show me that you love me more’, around the living room, in an attempt to swoon Susur Lee, who is juggling knives in the kitchen. Kimberly Newport-Mimran is kindly aiding Anne of Green Gables with her outfit while Rebecca Hardy, winner of Canada’s Next Top Model, teaches the 100 year old Maritimer how to strut. Just as some odd harmony begins to form, Zanta tears through the living room (who invited him!) and scares everyone as he’s chased by the Littlest Hobo.  As if things couldn’t get any wackier at the Canadian cottage, the Polkaroo comes out of the closet.  

Late at night, we’d all gather round the haunting fire lit by David Cronenberg, drink Canadian Club whisky while pretending to be our Dads (in the seventies when they were having sex with people other than our mothers). While drinking ourselves into a rather peculiar Freudian state, we’d listen to Margaret Atwood and Mordecai Richler readings and sing the Blue Nose and Bud the Spud with gusto. Intermittently, Leonard Cohen would complain about being broke and Jean Chrétien would smash a pie in his face.

Ha ha ha – you crazy guy!

Alas, wishes like these aren’t always feasible, so you may just have to find a new Canadian Day activity, like making a time capsule, painting gnomes, talking with the trees or playing Loaded Questions.

Other Party Favours

The Great Canadian Playlist
1.Hangover Days – Jason Collett
2.Suenos Dulces – Thunderheist
3.Patio Lanterns – Kim Mitchell
4.Myriad Harbour – The New Pornographers
5.Lovely Allen – Holy Fuck
6. Summer of ’69 – Bryan Adams
7. Poison Safe – controller.controller
8. Cinnamon Girl – Neil Young
9. Keep The Car Running – The Arcade Fire
10. 1, 2, 3, 4 – Feist

Great Canadian Debates to launch into:

Are you sad about CBC losing the Hockey Night in Canada song to CTV?
Do you think President’s Choice will regain it’s reign despite the absence of our beloved Dave Nichol?
Why does everybody hate Toronto?
Why do Quebecers not like Ketchup on their hot dogs?
Where does one find the best dim sum? Vancouver, Toronto, Richmond or Richmond Hill?
Who’s ever seen a live moose or beaver, put up your hand. (zoo doesn’t count)
Who makes a better bagel, Toronto or Montreal?
Bigfoot – real or not!
What was the better show, Today’s Special or Fraggle Rock?
Why are there never any beer ads that target women?
What does it mean to be Canadian?

The Canadian Food Party starting with a “P”:

Poutine
Pancakes
Processed Maple Syrup
Pig Foot
Pig Roast
Peameal
Pea Soup
Pork Roast
Pacific Salmon
Potatoe Salad
Porker Pie (anything fattening in a pie crust)

Following your fatty meal – blow up the sky, get naked and go skinny dipping.

Listen to the loons do a wolf cry and call it a night.

Awoooooooooooooooooooooo! Canada, je t’aime!

Okay – so if you aren’t into playing Great Canadian Cottage Time on acid, then go check out the fireworks at Ontario Place or come sing Rolling Stone’s BITCH on stage with us at Tattoo Rock Parlour for Live Karaoke, Tuesday July 3rd.

We will be having some dinner starting at 8PM and hit the stage around 9PM. For a chance to win a $25 gift certificate towards some seriously good comfort food. E-mail: contests@shedoesthecity.com

subject line: ‘LIVE KARAOKE”

Check out amazing rock song list here:

http://www.pinkmafia.ca/

A Weekend Treat for You!

Cover Girl has come out with some serious bold new colours that will compliment your neon tops and acid wash jean jacket – and you don’t need to break the bank to look like Madonna in her Like A Virgin tour! PLUS – the wetslicks AmazeMint gloss has Crest infused into it – so your lips smell and taste like fresh mint; I propose an experimental kissing session to test out

So while you may not be able to afford those True Religion jeans for your Saturday night on the town – treat yourself with some new makeup and transform your look from drab to fab. WOOT WOOT!

For a chance to win a Cover Girl prize pack full of delicious products, e-mail: contests@shedoesthecity.com with subject line: I’M A COVER GIRL !

Who says you can’t wear makeup around the campfire?

Oh – I hear the ice cream truck! See you later,

Jen