by Daniela Syrovy
A recent dream: I’m changing the baby’s diaper. I have the wipe ready to go and when I undress her snakes and roaches and ants oh my come crawling out of her anus. I’m shocked and appalled and the baby says, “I love them mama—they are my friends—can I keep them as pets?”

I think this is what started my obsession.

The dream was telling me: you don’t have to wrestle with those snakes and roaches any longer—you can be free…

You change a baby’s diaper 8-10 times a day and sometimes more (my record has been 20) and as a new mom you dream of the day the kid will be able to walk to the washroom and relieve themselves. While I’ve come to know her genitalia very intimately and no amount of diarrhea could make me flinch, I can’t wait to retire the wipes. In only 9 months I’ve managed to tire of pulling down her pants, whipping the diaper off and replacing it with a fresh one. It seems simple enough but damn it takes up so much of my day.

So when I heard through the grapevine that indie musician Chad VanGaalen’s 7 month old baby is potty trained I was instantly inspired. If the VanGaalen baby can do it so can my baby!

I started by putting baby in cloth diapers. I was determined not to have a toddler in diapers so right from the start I had her in cloth. Since disposables wick moisture away from the baby’s butt they can barely feel when they’re wet and they don’t pipe up about it. A baby in disposables can sit in their own piss and shit for hours without even realizing it. Cloth diapers force the baby to feel their own excrement so when she goes to the washroom she lets me know about it right away.

That was the first step—get baby knowing that she’s wet and get her to speak up about it.
Then one day I decided to go for it and bust out the potty.

At first I would put her on for long periods of time and inevitably she would go pee. Once I knew she had gone the celebrations would come. I don’t mean a simple clap and a hooray—I mean this is the biggest deal in the world. When baby goes on the potty she might as well have won the Pulitzer. She’s incredible; she’s brilliant. So you jump up and down like you’ve won the lottery. You tell her she’s a big girl and you start envisioning her as a teenager telling you to fuck off.

But here’s the key: every time you put baby on the potty you have to make a noise or a sign. So I would say “pssssssss” every time she was sitting on the potty. Even if she had just gone pee in her diaper I would put her on and say, “psssssss”. Now we’re at the point that when she sits and hears that sound she goes. Even if she doesn’t have to go she tries, she’ll tinkle in the potty. She has strongly associated that sound with the behavior of going pee. Google Pavlov if you’re confused or you don’t believe me. It’s a sight to behold and I got so excited when it started happening that I began to think I could try this experiment with other things. Like everytime I make the sound “shhhhhhh” she stops crying, or everytime I clap my hands she’ll tidy the toys in her room. Hmm maybe this theory works on men too. “Honey, grrrrrrrrrrr” and the next thing I know he’s cooking me dinner and cleaning the house!

I can now proudly say that at only 9 months old she is peeing and pooing on the potty! And I don’t mean once in a blue moon. I mean she is regularly going. She is sitting on the potty staring at me with intense blue eyes and going for it. We’re almost diaper free but of course there are occasional accidents and times when I think I’m mental but at least my baby’s bum is clean clean clean.

Soon I’ll have her cooking curry dinners and running my errands for me.