It was an episode of “Beverly Hills 90210” that convinced me I was HIV positive.

You know, the episode starring the older brother from Blossom, who plays a dude dying from AIDS, at the hospice where Kelly volunteers. I’m not sure why I took the episode so personally, but something about it triggered something in my mind. Probably the fact that I was twenty nine and had never had an HIV test in my life. And subsequently, I become a women possessed.

Now, as sexually active people go, I’m pretty low risk. I’ve been with the same wonderful boyfriend for two years, and have been “pretty” careful, as far as past partners. It goes along with my somewhat neurotic personality. But “pretty” careful is not the same as “100 percent” careful. And I was stuck on that. And couldn’t let it go. It consumed me.

I frantically made a trip to my doctor to do the test.

Let me tell you something about the HIV test. If you do it at your doctor’s office, it generally takes two weeks to get the results. Let me tell you something else, that two week wait is not “good times”.

To clarify further, not “good times” is a succinct way of saying; a miserable, nerve racking, gut wrenching experience, that would not be wished on my worst enemy.

I became a very fun person waiting for the test results. I played a ton of really great and creative games. Here is a small sampling of a few:

GAME NUMBER ONE:
Go through a list of every single person I ever hooked up with in any capacity, and rate whether or not I thought they could have HIV.
E.g. Carlos, the GO from Club Med, high probability.
E.g. Brad, the Fendi Model, even higher probability.
E.g. Derrick, the doctor, not so high.

GAME NUMBER TWO:
Go through the internet and search through every website or chat forum related to AIDS. Its a super fun activity, that can keep you busy for hours. Plus, as everyone knows, anything that is posted on the internet is 100 percent accurate.

Game NUMBER TWO: (BONUS)
As you surf the internet for AIDS related research, click on websites that deal with Herpes, Gnoherra, Hvp, etc.

GAME NUMBER THREE:
Call the receptionist at my doctor’s office to see if my test results are in. Call everyday. Three times a day. The receptionist clearly has nothing better to do, then await my thrice daily phone calls.

GAME NUMBER FOUR:
Make my boyfriend crazy with many, many hypothetical situations. And I repeat, many, many, and many. (I have a very patient and understanding boyfriend, who obviously loves me a lot and clearly is the best boyfriend in the world).

GAME NUMBER FIVE:
Repeat Game Number Four with friends and family. (I also have amazing friends and family, who also love me a lot).

Needless to say when I finally got my results, I was an exhausted, anxious, mess. Happily, my results came back negative, and a photocopy is hanging on my fridge. Do you really think I would leave the doctor’s office without documented proof?

Two conclusions that I garnered from this whole experience.
1. Always use a condom. Its never worth the risk, or the thoughts that will follow.
2. Go for a rapid HIV test. They are available at most sexual health clinics across Toronto, and you can get your results instantly.
As well, every time an rerun of 90210 comes on, I quickly flip the channel. I’m not taking any chances. I vaguely remember an episode where Donna thinks she has cancer.