You’re a grown-ass woman. It’s time to relinquish the emoticons. Well, not necessarily, but it’s time to have a long and serious think about what you’re using them for and where and to whom. Like, I just figured out how to do little sharkheads on facebook chat and it’s definitely been a Big Deal this week, so obviously I’m not above emoticons, I’m just saying there’s a time and a place.

Twitter is a great thing that exists on the Internet. You can use it to get the latest news headlines or show people how incredibly fun and whimsical your life is. But before you twitpic that shot of you jumping off some rocks topless in Capri, maybe have a think about how your boss follows you on twitter and you told him you were sick this week. Here are some guidelines you can twapply to your own twife. 

Get a handle on things.

“User handles” are still what we are calling them, right? Did we ever call them that? Regardless. Your username is how people are going to see who has written what you’re putting out there. If you want to be easily found, use your own name. If you do not, use something else, but have a think about it. Imagine if Tolstoy had used a nom-de-plume while writing War and Peace, and imagine if that nom was @boner_gun_89. (We’re all tweeting 140 character iterations of 19th century literary behemoths, obviously.) 

You don’t know who’s looking at this stuff. You think you do, but really you don’t.

If you want total control about who is looking at your tweets, lock that shit down. Private is the only way to go to ensure total, well, privacy. Otherwise your followers can retweet your crap to their followers but also you can be googled. Twitter is not like talking to your friends in their house. I know you are @-ing them, but so many more people are hanging out in your cyber-living room than just your friend. Also for some reason news outlets love reading tweets out on air/printing them in the paper like they are HUGE NEWS, so look out for being included there. 

Emoticons, maybe, emotional breakdowns, never.

I got into this re: talking about your body anxieties last week, but it applies to all anxieties, really. Airing your dirty laundry on twitter makes you look kind of insane, puts all your inside stuff on the outside, and opens you up for more still more drama, which you might think is kind of cool and exciting but which is not great. Ambiguous sad tweets that are not-so-subtly aimed at other people make you look about 12 years old, which in internet years is actually 1,000s of years, but you know what I mean. “juz wish sum people would GROW UP N GET OVER IT :” is like, not a thing that a grown up would say out loud, so don’t tweet it. 

@RandomCelebrity CAN I GET AN RT OR WUT?!

Never do this. 

Make it work for you

Why are you on twitter? If it’s just to read the news or read funny jokes that comedians write or find out what Lindsay Lohan is drinking today (spoiler alert: the answer is “everything”), that’s great! Do that. But passive consumption is not reallllly what twitter is for. As lame as it is, you can “make connections” via the damn thing, and you kind of should. My very first interaction with dear old She Does the City started on twitter, and LOOK AT ME NOW, writing this barely-coherent column of comedy advice. Seriously, though, follow people in the field you want to be in, and who’s work you admire, and if you have a legitimate question/something of value to say to them, tweet it to ‘em. 

Remember: it’s just twitter. 

Okay, so you have a lot of followers. In the words of the Almighty Shania, that don’t impress me much. It’s not that cool that lots of people you know, a few you don’t, and some porn robots read your tweets. I know Klout will tell you you’re an “influencer” and you might get a lot of @ replies and stuff, but please don’t let it go to your head or think that you have some kind of a job based on being a “social media presence”. That is super gross and not a thing, no matter how much free nail polish you get. And NEVER be a snob talking about twitter in real life. It makes you sound like the ultimate dick. 

Haters gonna hate

If you do anything at all that gets you even one modicum of public attention, someone is gonna tweet a mean thing at you. They might even call you a bigot! This will seem really difficult and hard at the time, because we are used to words written down having a lot of weight and meaning (see War and Peace, above) but remember that any ol’ idiot can type some stuff online and “publish” it to hundreds. Generally, engaging with someone who is “trolling” you or trying to start a “flame war” (“words”) is a waste of your time, and you should avoid the urge. Or respond once, stating your situation as succinctly as possible, and then leave it. If someone is being really awful, block and move on.

Happy tweeting, twats! (That’s DEFINITELY what they call them.) Come see me disregard all of this advice and MORE: @monicaheisey

Read more of Monica’s Grown-Ass Woman guides on talking about your body anxieties, hangover maintenance, vintage clothes, how to have a long-distance relationship, sounding smart at cocktail parties, and packing to disappear.