I was once like you. Huge group of rad friends. We were going to be BFs for life. We were going to rule the world. Then, I was suddenly marooned on an island called Married. My single friends were confused by Married…they thought that going there meant I wanted ‘alone time’, they thought it meant I would never again want to dance or get drunk. Some never visited the island, others popped by once in a blue moon. Just when things were really getting lonely on the island, I was abducted to the planet Pregnant and then traveled on to planet Mom. Since none of my original ‘friends’ with the exception of a few are into space travel well it got pretty damn lonely on my planet. It became barren.

Ladies: Don’t abandon the new mom in your life. Yes, she’s got huge milk-filled cannons and she’s completely sleep deprived. Yes, she’s shopping for cribs and bottles more than she’s shopping for heels and jeans, but damn it she’s the same girl you’ve always known and loved. After she’s given birth, call her, bring her food, talk to her, hug her, and remind her you’ll always be there for her.

For all the young, green, inexperienced non-moms everywhere here’s a list of dos and don’ts when visiting a new mom.

Do:

* Bring her food
* Wash her dishes
* Hold the baby
* Bring flowers
* Bring her a frozen soup, casserole or any dish for her freezer
* Hug her
* Kiss her
* Bring her food
* Congratulate her
* Bring her original art (even if it’s a napkin doodle you made over lunch break)
* Make her a coupon book of ‘free massages’, ‘free babysitting nights”, ‘free maid service” all provided by you!
* Visit even if it’s been a month or two or three or four
* Bring her food
* Call just to see how she’s doing
* Make her a cup of tea
* Invite her out for a night on the town—you never know she might just be up for it and ready to pump and dump (her breast milk).
* Remind her why you love her
* Did I mention bring her food?

Don’t

* Bring her booze
* Insult her baby
* Buy her that frilly-laced bra she’ll never be able to wear breastfeeding
* Tell her she still looks 5 months pregnant (thanks mom)
* Offer to meet up with her at your place or some non-TTC accessible café our of her reach
* Write her off completely. New moms are still the cool chicks they were BEFORE baby arrived.
* Do nothing. I have ‘friends’ who didn’t even pick up the phone to congratulate me.
* Remind her how much she’s ‘changed’
* Abandon her
* Assume anything- some new moms would rather a 15 minute visit and a hug, other new moms love when visitors come for hours and chat them up to make them feel normal again. I personally love the half-day visits.

If you’re still in doubt as to what a new mom wants or needs—it’s help. Help cook dinner (or bring food!), help do a household chore. Or just help by being there. If you’re still not sure, just ask her. Since you’re asking…here’s my dream visitor scenario:

Arrives around 11am, has a tea with me, brings two or three casseroles I can freeze and save for a hectic day, does dishes, gives the scoop on all the latest gossip for me, laughs with me, brings no gifts except food, hugs me at least three times, holds the baby. Invites me out dancing as soon as I feel up to it. Leaves several hours later, after a massage and a foot rub. Promises to call and does.

Stay tuned for next weeks column as I help you decide what to gift the new mom in your life.