Being all Japanese and shit (read the column name and/or meet me in real life), I feel attached to a lot of our ancient cultural ceremonies. The samurai, the beauty of the language, the art… But all of these pale in comparison to the ancient art of karaoke. And I’m here (you lucky girls) to share some of my secrets. And yes, I know I wrote about karaoke once before but, really, it’s such a classic topic. It’s like, are two discussions about Dickens too many? Are three? No. And so it is with karaoke.

Sing A Song You Know…
“Baby Got Back” is great in theory but unless you know it, rapping be hard. Everyone thinks they love hearing “Whatta Man” until they hear your garbled version. And it’s not just rap. At The Gladstone, I’ve been booed off stage singing “Ring Of Fire”. Of course, they are all assholes there who don’t recognize real talent. Like mine.

Crowd Pleasers…
Obviously, the penultimate of those is “Don’t Stop Believing”. Everyone knows the words and doesn’t give a shit if you suck because they’re all too focused on hitting that high note on “midnight train to an-y-wheeeeeeeere” themselves. Think back to university. Everyone loves a drunken sing-a-long. Think AC/DC, The Band, that song “Home For A Rest”…

Have Friends…
Now, this rule is tough for me to follow, as all my friends hate me and boo me in even my day to day activities. If you’re not a raging nerdmo like me though, get some drunk rowdies to hoot and holler incessantly. Sure, everyone in the bar will think you’re all big drunk messes, but who are we kidding? You are.

Don’t Be Serious…
Fuck you, bitch singing “Nothing Compares 2 U”. I just want to hear some fun shit. A pox on anyone who sings who chooses “Stairway”! A curse on all those who opt for “Desperado”! Conversely though, when you’re terrible but serious, it becomes hilarious. Think of men singing “Stand By Your Man”, dedicating slow love songs to strangers in the bar (this one’s for you, pink shirt!), or insisting on silence for your craft (but proceeding to suck).

Feel It…
Dur, feel it. Get down on the knees, hands up in the air, shake the hair, all the rock and roll moves. At least if you suck (and you probably do), people will get a fun show. Maybe show your titties. I hear some people like that?

So follow these rules and maybe someone will post a video of you k-rocking on Facebook or YouTube or something. Internet celebrity can’t be far away!

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