You are a Grown-Ass Woman, which means maybe sometimes you have sex. You “do it.” You “bump uglies.” You “dance the pants-less dance of amor.” It’s completely up to you what you call it, and literally anything is allowed. For instance, I’m pretty sure my grandma refers to it as “necking” even though that’s not technically what necking is. For another instance, I used to H-A-T-E the phrase “make love,” and still kind of do, but also hated it way more until SPOILER ALERT I experienced it and now I’m kind of on board. (Yeah, okay, I’ve “made love” before. Like, tears in my eyes, deep’n’meaningful, made love. It was not as bad as it sounds—he didn’t see me cry.) (We weren’t facing each other.) (Heyyyoooooo #truelove.) So whatever! It’s your sex life and if you want to say you two diddled using your foo foo and his wee wa, that’s terrible but also up to you. This is not a guide to the semantics of sex—it’s about actually making it work, and in the name of Our Lady Dr. Ruth, I swear you will all be doing it like champions by the end of this.

Get over it, re: your body
My favourite lie from ages 19 to 22 was, “Oh, I haven’t really… taken care of… things…” which is self-conscious woman-ese for “I haven’t shaved my legs or waxed my ‘gine or what have you.” Eventually any repeat partners would come to realize this was a complete fabrication and that I treat most of my body like a delicate shrub, trimming things into good shape but staying pretty healthily thatched, overall. I’m not embarrassed about it, but for some reason (every message I’ve ever received from birth about femininity, probs?) I used to feel like I had to put on a show of being embarrassed about it for other people. But I don’t, and you don’t. Know how you like your body to be and keep it that way. That’s all. And not to get all “look at your vagina in a hand mirror,” but look at your vagina in a hand mirror. Know what it looks like, at least. Get to know your boobs and your butt and your stomach and get cool with all of it. I basically have no time for anyone with problems re: their cellulite because no worthwhile sexual partner in history has ever cared about it and also like 99.99 percent of women have it; at this point surely dimply thighs are just thighs and the smooth ones are the weirdos, if you think about it.

DIY, mofos
Try anything you think you might be into. Google “ladies kissing other ladies in the bath,” or whatever comes to mind, and have a poke around. (The bath is a very sensual place, don’t judge.) If you know what you like—re: your body and your fantasies—and can express it, you’re making your sex buddy’s job a lot easier, because they won’t have to guess and you won’t have to make all kinds of weird porn noises to keep up the pretense that the weird jabbing happening to your nethers is fun and cool for both of you. Get it done, sister.

Accept no dummies
If you are not comfortable having sex with this person with the lights on, with your legs up over your head so your stomach disappears into a million little skin folds, in that secret way that you learned about when you figured out the porn you like to watch, or in a very nice and serious way that is just straight up missionary with some eye contact because sometimes that is what you want, don’t have sex with that person anymore. Find a better person to have sex with. I don’t mean it has to be perfect immediately, but you should feel 100 comfortable comfortable telling this guy what he’s doing GREAT and what you’d like done differently. If you don’t feel comfortable being honest and vulnerable with your sexual partner, why on earth are you partnering with them sexually? Make a mental note that these guys are on your sexual No-Fly list: dudes who won’t go down on you, dudes who are opposed to period sex, dudes who make you feel bad about your body in any conscious way, dudes who refuse to practice safe sex because “it just doesn’t feel as good,” dudes who cannot take constructive feedback, and dudes who dick slap you without asking. “Haha, oh Monica,” you are saying at home, “that last caveat is an impossibility! Who would dick slap without asking? What a lark!” To you I say, stay safe, my sweet children. Your lives have been pure. You do not know what is out there, but it is dick-shaped and headed for your face.

Be open to what they might say/like (Hi Dan Savage, luv ur werk!)
You cannot be all, “love me, love my pubes” and then run for the hills when your partner is like, “I’m into pee stuff,” or whatever their thing is. And hoooooly there are a lot of things out there; such a range of diverse and interesting—and at times pretty weird and specific—things that people are into. You don’t have to love the idea of being peed on, but you might have to be willing to talk about the idea of it while in the shower, or something. Our buddy Dan calls it being GGG: Good, Giving, and Game. Unlike his stance re: the non-existence of male bisexuality, this formula for good sex is accurate. Sex isn’t all about you! Now that you’ve found someone who is not a dummy and who makes you feel good, pay it forward…on their bod.

Don’t be an A-hole, get your B-control together
It’s hard to clear your head and love yourself and focus on their wants when you know in the back of your mind could go wrong in a pretty big way. A maternity pants way. Figure out what you need to do to prevent that from happening, and do it.

Golden rule, applies to everything. Apply it today!
Whether you are having a conversation, dancing, doing improv, flirting, conducting business deals (probably) (as if I know about business) or makin’ loooooooove, the only thing you have to remember is this: make it about them. Your job is to make the other person look and feel amazing, and obviously their job is to reciprocate. If they are 100 percent about you, and you are 100 percent about them, everyone is having a 200 percent good time. Not to get all “look at your vagina in a hand mirror,” but sex in its purest form is about being open and vulnerable with another human in a way that you are not with most other people, so, you know, appreciate the time that you’re spending with that person, whether it’s for ten minutes or one night only or years and years and years. It’s a great time to practice being unselfish, actually, and you won’t notice because your partner in crime (sex crime?) (NOPE) should be doing the same thing, leading to, as previously discussed, 200 percent good times. Learn all their stuff. Smell their armpit, lick their legs, ask about their secretest fetish, tweak a nip or two. Try everything out until you’re as good at them as you are at yourself and VOILA, you will have reached the apex of human interaction: the total embodiment of the seminal Spice Girls classic 2 Become 1. You did it! You’re doing it!

Now have at it.

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