You’re a grown-ass woman and you want to do teenage-style corner-of-the-party frottage to that dude or lady across the room. Great! Consensual tongue kissing that can lead to more is one of the best parts about being an adult (next to eating whatever you want for dinner), but for some reason, the prospect of making it happen turns fully-functioning grownups into quivering babies. Here’s the thing, though: flirting is fun! It has taken me some time, but I have finally moved on from my initial and favoured flirt move (stare at them without breaking eye contact until they are creeped out and leave, or are intrigued enough to come over to ask if I have astigmatism) to a nuanced and refined blend of Charming Me and Real Everyday Me that a very specific type of nerd with a beard just NEEDS to smooch. Stop being a weird, gawky teen about it—this is not Caitlin’s parents’ basement, and you have a job that does not involve you passing food through a window—and get your grownup flirtz on today. (Spoiler alert: they remain quite similar to teen flirts but you are more in control now, is all.)

Opening lines are not that big of a deal
We’ve seen She’s All That. We know what’s happening when someone comes over to us at a party and says something completely banal with the cadence of a joke. Just go with it. You don’t have to stress too much about the first thing you say; your intentions will become clear as the conversation goes on. And if the person is genuinely interested in chatting with you, they won’t care if you open with, “I think about the IKEA monkey before I go to sleep.” (Don’t open with that, but also don’t stress too much.) Like, just try, “Hey,” or, “What you drinking?” or something. It doesn’t matter. Comment on the things going on around you (in a non-“I love lamp” way) or ask what brings them to the place you both are. All you’re doing is sending out a tentative, “Should we have a conversation?” signal, and it takes the pressure off of them to respond with something brilliant if you’re keeping it simple, too.

Get them to talk about themselves and be legitimately interested. It’s all anyone wants.
“I’m an accountant.” “How’d you get into that? Do you like it?”; “I’m really into film.” “What’s in theatres right now that I should see?”; “In my bedroom I have a collection of different insect wings that I’ve ripped off and mounted onto good quality cream-coloured paper and put in frames.” “…Do you know where the bathroom is?”

Yes touching
Fun Arrested Development reference—for da fanz—aside, this can be kinda tricky, because you shouldn’t touch someone who doesn’t want you to touch them (duh). But also, some light arm brushes or weird chest taps while joking around (this is basically a 400-foot-tall monolithic obelisk that you have carved to read, “LET’S DO IT”—but they will pretend it didn’t happen if they aren’t into it, so…) are great ways to test whether or not you’re gonna do some light pube brushes or weird chest taps while fuuuuuckin’ later. You should be able to read whether or not someone wants you in their personal space. Try standing a bit closer to them and if they bristle or aren’t into it, back off. Also sitting on a stranger’s lap is for children and old men in malls at Christmas, so don’t.

Chris Brown
Is a nightmare! Okay, ugh, I wanted to have a whole, “Be breezy” joke here but to be perfectly honest, I thought Lil’ Wayne was Breezy and then I had to Google “breezy rapper” just to be sure (cementing my status as America’s Next Top Grandma 2012), and I’m not feeling very good about myself or that metaphor anymore. The point I want to make is: try not to worry too much about it if things take a weird turn, flirt-wise. Maybe the guy turned out to be stupid. Maybe you’re religious and she’s really not. Maybe you’re both giving it your best shot but your senses of humour don’t line up right and no one can tell when the other one is kidding, so everyone’s just sort of non-commitally laughing at everything and looking around the room for Rescue Friends. That happens! While the moment you spy a babe at a party or bar or cooking class or on the subway might seem at that exact second like this moment, they may not be your soulmate and are definitely not your only chance at happiness. There are plenty more fish AT THAT PARTY, so if the flirt trail has gone cold, Sarah Lund your way onto a new prime suspect…for love. Or go hang with your friends, because life is not all about hooking up, jeeze.

Put down your phone

Texting across the room at a party is not cute or sexy. Also, people get real cagey if you’re constantly looking at your phone while they’re trying to chat you up. The point of flirting is to—subtly—send the message, “You are the most interesting, cool, sexy person in the room to me,” and you are really undercutting that by adding the caveat, “Except for if Twitter was a person, because if he was here I would be in the coat room favouriting his RTs if you KNOW WHAT I MEAN.”

Ignore everything else I just said and do this

It’s this simple, babies: 1) Look at them and smile. 2) Look away. 3) Look back. If they are still looking, they’re comin’ over. I know we are all empowered women and damn right y’all we could go over there if we wanted to, but it’s kind of nice to let them come to us. Plus, what if you’re standing by the shrimp?! It should be noted that this tip does not factor out guys with girlfriends, guys with baggage, girls who are “just trying stuff out right now” RE: their sexuality, general dickheads, and dummies who don’t read, so you will have to talk to them after entrancing them with your hypnot-eyes™. But hey, you’ve got to the Notting Hill phrase at least: You’re just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to tongue her. Who says romance is dead?

Good luck! Please feel free to share stories of flirt triumphs and failures in the comments, or your own (potentially much better) tips. I’m all ears, because you are THE most interesting, cool, sexy people in the room to me.*

*psssst…. I’m flirting. With the whole internet. See? Easy!Follow Monica on twitter: @monicaheisey