These are Fast Times at Life High, people. Not only are they fast, though—they are also increasingly global. Our networks of friends and contacts are expanding like the belly of the lady in that carnival game where you throw balls into her mouth. But even if you haven’t played Feed Bertha, you have probably, at this point, spent some time connecting with people using the Phone of our Present/Future: Skype. And while this tool to see our loved ones or have a face-to-face meeting in real time from anywhere in the world is obviously incredible and I am eternally grateful for it, it can also be a difficult medium to navigate. And considering Skype has been around for a while and I still haven’t gotten used to it, I thought it was time to address a few social nuances unique to video chatting.

  1. EYE CONTACT OVERLOAD

When was the last time, in “Analogue Life,” that you can recall being inches away from someone’s face, gazing deeply into their eyes for more than, say, a minute? I don’t know about you, but for socially skittish me, the answer is never. And yet there is something about the Skype platform that seems to encourage an abundance of simulated eye contact and intimate pore-gazing to the point where it’s like, LET MY PUPILS GO, y’know? I think we need to a) acknowledge that this doesn’t always feel natural, and b) do what we can to make it feel like Real LifeTM. Hot tip: have a “natural” prop handy to make you feel at ease—like a pen, or a full meal.

On that note: Skype makes it possible to do the daily stuff you would do with that person if they were there with you, which is great. Watch the new Girls eppy with your bestie! Fall asleep “beside” your partner! Cook a meal with your mom! It’s not quite the same as having the person there to frolic with (you all frolic with your buds, right?), but I’d say it’s the next best thing. Or at least a very close third behind a Tupac/Princess Leia-style hologram.

  1. How’s My Face Right Now?

Skype presents us consummate multitaskers with the ultimate challenge in multitasking: talking while watching our own face talk. I suppose it’s fitting that considering social outlets like Facebook/Twitter/Instagram have cast us as both the protagonists and curators of our own lives, Skype has us simultaneously participating in the conversation and watching it unfold. That dual role is a difficult one, because it is easy to disengage from the conversation while you judge your real-time reactions.

Now, you’ve got some options here: ignore the face, or EMBRACE THE FACE (copyright Tess Degenstein, 2013). If you are more inclined towards the former, you can minimize your “live” icon—although you can’t get rid of it altogether—and just try your darndest to not glance that way. l have found this pretty much impossible, as I never got over that faze that babies go through when they’re hypnotized by their own image.  So I say: Embrace the Face! It’s your face! And if it’s anything like mine, it oscillates between Monster Mash and Fashion Icon with verrrry minute changes in lighting. The more I accept this, the more I can just chill out and let it be. And chances are the other person on the other side is gazing self-wardly, too, so if you find yourself getting caught up in your Best Movie Star Angles and Emotional Face Reactions, don’t sweat it too much. Have a LOL at Baby-You-Back-at-the-Mirror, and move on.

  1. RobotFace and DJMouth

Sometimes the connection is wonky and you or your loved ones will turn into a pixilated RobotFace or the sound will cut in and out. I know it’s irritating, but try to enjoy it while you can! One day technology will be perfect, and we’ll fly around in hovercars snacking on protein packs while updates on Will and Kate’s spawn download directly to our brains!!!!!!! And when that day comes (2014?), you will reflect fondly on the twee days of Skype where things could still slow down and go wrong, occasionally transforming dialogues into staccato remixes, and your loved ones’ faces into cubist dreams.  

OR: look into getting a faster internet connection.

  1. G2

No, not Gilbert Godfrey (although don’t worry, I’m thinking about him all the time, too), but Gratitude and Grace. And what better time to be reminded of the Gee-Whiz Gs than now, as I nitpick about the inadequacies of something that enriches my life even more than Nutella? I spoke to a woman recently who just a decade ago was communicating with her long distance sweetie primarily via fax. Yes, you read that correctly: fax. And while there is certainly something romantic about that, I am so grateful that I live in a time and place where I can tete-a-tete and face-2-face with faraway friends (and still write and fax if I choose, cuz why not?!). As I get older and my networks of friends and family seem increasingly spread out, it’s a huge source of comfort to know that their smiling mugs are just a few clicks away.