An Anti-Gym Manifesto

Over the last year or two, I’ve talked about my slavish devotion to the gym, trying to eat right, trying to not drink or smoke so much… all that shit. But being that I’m wishy-washy and a bit of a hypocrite, I’d like to talk to you today about how all that stuff is bullshit. Fuck the gym, I say! Well, if I could do that, I wouldn’t have as much free time but I’d be a happy man. Ba-zing!

Running
What is it, really? Fleeing! For enjoyment! Oh sure, you do it outside and there’s “scenery,” but you know where else there’s scenery? That shrub on the patio of the bar. What does running give you in twenty years? Bad knees and shin splints. You might be a little bit poorer taking a cab everywhere you go, but at least you save your legs for the important things like learning to walk in six inch fuck-me heels.

Getting Laid
People were telling me, “brotha, you are going to meet so many hot gay dudes at the gym. You are going to get laid like a motherfucker.” You know how many gay dudes I’ve met at the gym? Three. You know how many I’ve met at the bar in that time? Neither do I, cause I don’t remember their names! Hey-o! How often are you gonna take some dude home to fuck from the gym? There was that one time, I know… It doesn’t make you a slut, I swear. But normally, if you’re banging dudes you just meet, it’s after a night of sloppy drunken grinding. The way it was in our grandparent’s days.

Endorphins
Exercise releases endorphins! You know what else does? Abuse of drugs and alcohol. Let’s not forget cigarettes…

The Off Chance Meeting
OK, say everything I said was bullshit (say that to my face, asshole!) and you met some stunning dude who was an investment banker or some other job chicks dig. Say you met him and you were all cute and flirty and wore the right sports bra (doesn’t make your tits look too small) and your cute little Lulus with your hair up in a neat little ponytail. How do you look after the workout? If you were doing it right, you look like shit! Do you really want to talk to the dude now? And let’s be honest… If he’s not completely into superficial things like looks, what are you going to have in common with him anyway? Is that just me? It is? Oh, OK. Nevermind.

Healthy Lifestyle
The gym teaches you discipline and how to live a healthier lifestyle. OK, just take a Centrum and have a Caesar. There’s nutrients in there, I’m sure of it. If you think the vodka dilutes the health benefits, just have six!

Yeah the gym is great and all, I’m just saying, it’s summer and I can’t be fucked to drag my ass down there and hop on a treadmill when I could be dragging my ass down to the West end to smoke and drink too much. Besides, Pride’s over anyway. I can let myself go for at least another eight months.