Today marks the official start of summer, and I think we all know what that means: sexy summer looks. Now, I have no idea what those are, but I do know how to put on makeup in an attempt to #beat #the #heat. So because I care about you, and about myself, and about achieving top beauty points in the midst of soul-crushing humidity, here are my summer makeup tips.

Natural foundation
It’s important to use a foundation with an SPF of at least 30, but that won’t matter after about 10 minutes outside, since it will have melted down your face by then. Instead, get a jump on the inevitable by applying it in streaks down the better part of your face; as if you’ve spent the day tossing a Frisbee or manically re-applying your makeup in hopes that for once you’ll be one of those girls who somehow don’t get deeply glossay after walking a block to the grocery store.

Embrace “Dewiness” As A Look
And speaking of gloss, tell your lips to stop hogging the fun! To achieve a healthy summer glow, simply stick your hand in a container of Vaseline and smear it all over your face. This way, when you begin sweating profusely on the way to work, you’ll have a jump start on your own pores and arrive to the office simply glistening. You’re welcome.

Smokey eyes
But enough of the skin-talk. Summer, winter, spring, or fall, your eyes deserve a little TLC, especially since they allow even strangers to peer right directly into your soul. However, summer’s not conducive to decent eye makeup. So instead of your regular regimen, simply smear whatever dark pigments are around you (BBQ charcoal, purple sidewalk chalk, a pen) directly around your eye area. Then, top with a liquid liner that’s both thick and uneven. Draw the line from wherever you want to wherever you want. Apply mascara only to the bottom lashes, then splash with water. Talk about poolside glam! Whether dunked under water or crying thanks to a heat rash, you’ll never seem smokier.

Dramatic pout
Lips deserve love, too – especially since they’re one of the first things to burn once you’re out in the sun’s relentless fury. But instead of applying a colour-less SPF balm (boring!), simply indulge your sweet tooth: grab as many lip-shaped gummy candies as you can and wear them as your own until they fall off. True, you will horrify anyone with eyes around you, but it’ll be a lesson learned: anything can happen in the heat of the summer months.

Sun-kissed lips
Maybe the idea of wax candy lips appalls you. (Fair, but incorrect.) So to keep your colour and get ahead of the day’s temperatures, apply as many layers of lipstick as you can so your lips not only look Hollywood real, but also achieve the caked-on/faded aesthetic of anyone who’s had to speedwalk to a public restroom for some much-needed A/C. As for when your shade starts to wear off? Let it happen: this summer, your date is the humidex, and when it gives you a kiss, it’s big, bold, and unabashed.

Blush
Whether opting for blush or bronze, stand outside for between 5 and 25 minutes in direct sunlight. Now that’s some colour that’ll take you from June to October.

Contrarian paleness
Summer isn’t for everyone, so if you’re spending the next three months performing a private Cirque Du Soleil routine called Shadefinder, your option is simple: scrap the summer-fun beauty regimen and refuse to go outdoors. Foundation? Gloss? Bronzer? Not for you: these 90 days call for night visits and shade dwelling with only SPF 60 to keep you company. You’re Kate Winslet in Titanic—after she got in the ocean, but before she pushed Jack off that big floating door. You’re pale like someone who almost froze to death, cool like someone who almost froze to death, and can’t stop thinking how it might actually be great, right now, to freeze to death. Make summer your diamond necklace and toss it into the sea.

You look great, guys.