by Radcliffe U. Hall
REEL LOVIN’ Radcliffe tries to find a soul mate at the film festival but finds something greater….

I just have to throw something out there. I’m pretty famous. I get recognized a lot. Like, in the library, a girl with a badge and a blazer always comes over to me and screams “Radcliffe! Radcliffe!” and then something else about me forgetting to return a Judy Blume book. I truly appreciate my fans but they should know how to conduct themselves in a library. Sometimes when I’m at “Da Club” – which I like because of its decorative Christmas lights and $2 deviled eggs – I’m always in the middle of my groove when the man that stands behind the bar starts bellowing my name and gesturing at his cash register. I usually smile and thank him for being such a dedicated fan and then get back to groovin’ with the locals. Even at restaurants I often get asked for my autograph, and always at the end of my meal. I do what I can. Like I said before, my fame follows me around – probably because of my inspired talents and their power to touch real people.

All of this just made me realize that I needed to break onto a higher plane; that walking among civilians would no longer satisfy my needs. My romantic needs. Being a tortured solitary artist made me desperate to seek out others like myself. And so I did what any normal person would do. I headed off to the Toronto International Film Festival. Here is my story:

I wanted to make sure that I didn’t waste my time talking to any duds so I compiled a rough list of creatively inclined artistes/auteurs who would understand the harsh glare of the spotlight. After hours of deliberation I came up with five solid candidates.

I chose Tilda Swinton because I felt that she was slightly disturbed. Her intense alien gaze and invisible eyebrows made me feel that she would comprehend the depths of not just art, but also my being. So I dressed in my finest pin-striped slacks and headed to the premiere of Tilda’s new Brad Pitt movie. However, when I got to the door these men in suits requested my ticket. I tried to explain to them that I wasn’t here for some movie but here to meet my soulmate Tilda Swinton. I was then approached by a pushy and big chested woman with a headset who called herself a “volunteer”. She directed me to the exit. That didn’t quite work out as planned but thankfully I had four other equally promising options.

I thought I’d have a better chance with my number two, Lea Pool, because I’m way more famous than her. Despite the fact that she directed the most seminal Canadian film ever made, Lost and Delirious. This time I purchased a ticket for her new film. After the Q & A, I approached Miss Pool – this time in my finest Catholic school girl uniform – in the hopes of beginning our future. But then she turned around and I realized that not only had I not known what she looked like, but that she was sixty years old. Anyways, that didn’t work out either. Onto my third.

After the debacle with Lea Pool I decided I should veer for my younger selection. Some people think that Dakota Fanning is eerie or annoying, but I disagree. I find her voice soothing and I often watch Uptown Girls when I feel that my life is spiraling out of control. Even though she’s been famous longer than me she still retains a sincere and innocent quality. I managed to sneak into the after party for a movie Dakota had made about bees and immediately bought a Virgin Bloody Mary to bring to her by way of an introduction. I spotted her in the crowd and was just about to hand her the drink when Nick Jonas, one member of the popular family band The Jonas Brothers, beat me to it with a gin and tonic. Who was I compared to Nick Jonas? He once dated Miley Cyrus.

After my rejection I realized that my chances would be better with a woman who had already shown her love and commitment to another woman, like the authentic lesbians Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson. In a maneuver I can only describe as sneaky, I found my way into their banging party where Samantha was “spinning”. Because they were lesbians I knew they would speak my language. So I hightailed it right to the “DJ booth” and got straight to the point, “I would like to have sex with you and your girlfriend…now…or later tonight…whenever is convenient”. Samantha looked me up and down, which I knew meant she was checking me out. She then shot me a nod and a peace sign. She understood that we connected. She had communicated all I could ever need. I didn’t get my top three on the list but I had bonded with a loving couple who knew my reality of having many fans but still feeling lonely. It was miraculous.