Hi Jenn!
I’ve been in a relationship for 6 months and it didn’t work out. We’ve since broken up, and started a “friends with benefits” relationship. What parameters should I set up with him for this to continue to be workable?
Sara

Dear Sara,
First of all, congratulations for recognizing that you may need to set some new parameters for your “newly defined” relationship to work. It is so important to take the time to think about what you need and want from this relationship and the potential consequences this can have on you and your “friend.”

I’m hearing a few different things from you: 1) Your relationship clearly didn’t work as a traditional couple, and 2) You seem to have enough remaining “chemical” feelings about each other that you both want to maintain a strictly sexual relationship. The concept of “friends with benefits” seems like a good compromise based on your mixed feelings, but on the other hand, it can be a very tenuous “thin ice” type of arrangement. It will be extremely helpful to bring awareness to the situation, communicate and explore both your feelings openly and examine intentions in order to protect and take care of yourself.

Here are some things to think about when setting new parameters for your relationship:

First of all, have you been honest with yourself and completely processed all of the feelings that you have left lingering after your “breakup”? Do you feel any anger, resentment, or bitterness towards him? Does he feel any of these things about you? How did your breakup make you feel? Do you feel sad or regretful about your relationship? Do the reasons that things didn’t “work out” in the first place still surface when you are together? Does the way he treats you now feel good to you? How about the way you treat him? What are you motives and intentions? These are all things you might want to explore before engaging in a “friends with benefits relationship”.

Secondly, how do you feel in your newly defined relationship together? Does it make you happy? Do you feel fulfilled? Are you left feeling empty in any way? What types of things do you discuss now when you are together? After you have sex together, how do you feel? Do you want to spend more time with him, or are you in a hurry to get away from each other? Do the two of you feel the same way about these things? How would you feel if he started dating someone else? It’s important for you to get in touch with what it is exactly that you are getting out of this new arrangement and what exactly it is costing you emotionally.

Lastly, what does “workable” mean to you? Does workable simply mean “no drama”? Does it mean “just OK”? Do you mean that it is just something to keep you occupied until something else comes along? Are you open to that? Is this preventing you from opening yourself up to other, healthier situations? It will be critical to making this arrangement work for you that you understand exactly what you are trying to get out of it in the short term and beyond and if it is worth it to you.

It is really difficult for me to suggest parameters for your situation without fully understanding the entire context, your feelings, goals, appetite for risk/potential heartache, etc. I do suggest however, that the two of you clearly communicate your feelings, goals, limits, intentions and what-if scenarios to each other. It’s obviously important to do from the beginning, but equally important to keep updating each other as feelings and situations may change. The more you communicate and are honest with one another and prepare yourself (and him) in advance for any fallout, the more likely you will be able to handle a crash landing. Emotions can get highly charged even in a purely sexual relationship, whether that is your original intention or not.

Thank you for your letter and for sharing your openness and willingness to approach this in a responsible and conscious way. Hope this helps and wishing you lots of love and joy in all of your relationships.

Sending you lots of love,
Jenn