Welcome to Questions and MANswers, a new sporadic segment where we ask men questions and they try very hard to answer those questions. This week it is the man-wife of our Grown-Ass Woman, comedian and writer Alex Tindal, answering the question: “What do you think of high heels?” Take it away, Alex.

My thoughts on high heels diverge instantly into two opposing camps:

  1. They are insane, torturous things and you should keep them away from yourself and myself.
  2. They look nice and I like it when you wear them occasionally, if that’s something you also like.

The first time I put on a pair of high heels I was retroactively awestruck by every woman I’d ever seen wear them. I was reminded of my first attempt at learning to waterski: something I’d seen done numerous times which appeared effortless when executed by those with experience proved to have an abrupt learning curve en route to performing the act at its most basic level. Even if I practiced for hours it was uncertain whether I could achieve the presumably simple goal of just remaining upright. My feet hurt after wearing the heels for five minutes. FIVE MINUTES. The thought of descending a single stair while wearing them was a hilarious joke to my brain and the idea of committing an entire evening to wearing self-sabotaging footwear in earnest was dumbfounding.

Generally speaking, most men will never be expected to wear high heels. If they choose to, it will be an interest they pursue in spite of society’s expectations of them and not in capitulation to those expectations. I can’t say how many women feel like they’re capitulating to anything when they put theirs on (I can’t say how women feel about anything, really), but I regret forming any part of the expectation that makes high heels a part of your wardrobe. I think if a man is going to ask his lady (or ladies in general) to wear high heels, he should at least have to try a pair on, if only to experience the viscera of the patriarchy in microcosm.

Having said all that… damn. Damn, sometimes those high heels look good though, you know? Because they make your legs look all elegant and junk? Then you’re a bit taller and junk? I like that. I like looking at it, and when I see it there isn’t a neuron in my brain that can chase that image down and tackle it before it gets to whatever synapse registers something as being real sexy. And as much as I love having a nuanced and sartorially-framed discussion on gender politics, I also know that if you put on eye make up I literally think your eyes are bigger and then maybe I want the sex with you because I’m struck by a primitive urge to protect your big gooey eyes or something. It’s pathetic, and not men’s best feature as a species. For some reason, this also happens when you hoist your heel up a couple inches off the ground.

Fortunately (for me and my dong-brandishing pals), women have long cultivated the faculty of remaining graceful while having horrible demands placed on them physically and emotionally. What’s more terrifying is the question of how much of the allure could be a product of that imposition. How much of what men enjoy about women in heels is strictly physical augmentation and how much is the ego trip derived from the knowledge of the struggle endured to present a dainty gate, one that we find titillating? Does the limited balance and mobility of a woman in heels help me to mitigate insecurities related to my own physical prowess, or do you just look good? These are just some of the questions you can expect me not to ask myself before I’m already checking you out because you look real nice in them heels.

So, yeah, if my sweet lady wore a pair on occasion I might enjoy her choice to do that, but I certainly don’t think it’s my place to make a request for you to wear something that could literally shorten the muscles in your back and give you spasms.

Maybe think about it using the same rules you would for doing weird sex stuff. Does it empower you and make you feel sexy? Awesome, do it and enjoy it. Does it make you feel exploited, objectified and/or pained? Then please don’t do it for mine or anyone else’s benefit. Anyone who would be a glad beneficiary of your discomfort doesn’t deserve to have that entitlement reinforced and you can probably do without their attention.

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