I have no idea why in the hell they let me write this one, considering I managed to spook off the last person I moved in with and she hates me now. But whatever. Learn from my mistakes, ye mighty. There is no more need for despair. Moving in with a partner is always a fun experience and a great way to find out about all the horrible little parts of yourself you never even knew existed.

So you’ve found someone you love and can finally be yourself around – thank God! Now what? Make them yours forever by forcing them into signing a never-ending lease contract in their own blood. I miss my girlfriend. Here’s how to not lose yours.

Think it through

I mean, really think it through. Do you really like this person? Do you like their weird little quirks? I mean, maybe she sleeps with socks on. Maybe she sleeps with 67 stuffed giraffes. Maybe she thinks the earth is flat. These are things you need to know about a person before you move in with them. Are these things that you can handle? Can you really imagine waking up next to this person every day for the next four months (twelve years in lesbian time)? As our beloved Drake says, “Know yourself.” Know the situation you’re getting yourself into. Be prepared.

Money issues

Money suddenly becomes an issue when you live together; when you’re not buying your own groceries but “our groceries,” when you’re sharing more than just a bed and a shower and feelings. You’re sharing, like, a LIFE. Suddenly, you’re eating shared groceries and maybe start saying things like, “Well, I bought this $14 organic quinoa last week and you ate it all, Jessica!” and you’re getting all defensive because you thought these were OUR GROCERIES, MELANIE. I DON’T UNDERSTAND WHY YOU HAVE TO BE SUCH A PENNY PINCHER. YOU DIDN’T SEEM TO HAVE A PROBLEM WITH IT WHEN I WAS PAYING FOR OUR DINNERS EVERY TIME WE WENT OUT! Calm down, okay? Work on making a budget together and taking care of each other. Money drives people crazy. Keep your bank accounts separate and if you want a specific snack or whatnot, keep it hidden. Otherwise, accept that you’ve begun to share a new chapter of your life with someone, and that means sacrifice.

Keep your weird shit to yourself

Just because you live with your girlfriend doesn’t mean she wants to see you take your morning dump with the door wide open at 9 a.m. This is probably what ruined my relationship (just kidding. It was my horrible personality and bad attitude). You can be yourself around someone, but when you first move in together, you’re going to have to pitter-patter tip-toe around each other for a bit until you find the most comfortable level of constant togetherness that you’re both okay with.

What about your other weird shit?

So you’re all packed up, ready to start your new life together, but there’s a problem: You never told your girlfriend about your collection of hand-blown vintage glass penis statuettes. You have 32. How do you explain your unusual collection of weird crap, and where do you put it? And what if she hates it? Solution: Put it anywhere and ignore it unless she says anything about it. If and when she does, act VERY casual and say, “What, that old thing? It’s very emotionally important to me but I’m sure you’ve seen it before.” She will assume she has most definitely seen it before and is going crazy. You nonchalantly dust your collection in front of her, sensually, and she eventually learns to love it as much as she tolerates you.

Don’t be fucking rude

As soon as you move in with someone, they kind of become family. Which means, whether you like it or not, you’re going to have to be nice to their family. That means accepting their parents and siblings as part of the package, however different from you they might be. It means patience and understanding. It means biting your tongue. A lot. But ultimately, all that stuff is going to be worth it. Because you don’t have to sleep with their family, and at the end of the day, all that nice stuff you do when you stop being your terrible self for a few hours earns you mad brownie points. And that means you’re IN.

Have your own life

As much as you wanna be a disgusting cutesy couple and spend every waking second together, it’s important to not get sick of each other and remember to have your own life. I get it, you’re lesbians, all your friends are lesbians, you and your girlfriend do lesbian things together, blah blah blah. But still – time and space apart is important. Otherwise, you’ll either become that weird couple that nobody wants to be around or you’ll start hating each other’s guts.

Petting zoo

Be nice to each other’s pets. Done.