Dear Rosemary,
I’ve been dating this guy casually for about a month and we often hold hands walking down the street, kiss to say goodbye and are known to make out against a wall at house parties. However, last night while I was at a bar – our local with lots of hot babes – I reached in for a smooch and he put his hand up and said:

“No PDA!”
– “WHAT??”
“No public displays of affection.”
– I was so turned off. Is this a deal breaker?

Hi PDA-free,
Though I hate to admit it, your boy (as of yet; he could go any time) seems promising: handholding, goodbye kisses and vertical pubic makeouts are all clear signs of nondouchebaggery. That said, it never makes a gal feel good when a man pushes you off him and cries no to date rape, so you gotta look at your motives, pervert: was this A, an innocent peck meant to show him you dig him? Or B, a sloppy show to mark your territory?

If it’s A, then I revert; you do, in fact, have a douchebag in your bed and this is sufficient ground for dumpage. A gentle PDA, whether you’re surrounded by bar sluts or not, shouldn’t be an issue – especially if he’s down with handholding and house party making-outing (both logical steps up from a random bar PDA). Very suspicious and, in light of your alleged innocence, might I suggest the absurd: Ask him. Maybe your choice of French onion soup at dinner was a poor choice or maybe he just puked in the bathroom (it happens). But get real, he’ll likely tell you what you don’t want to hear: that your so-called A is, in his male brain, the dreaded option B.

If your drunk, insecure alter ego is latching on to the poor dude just to make a scene – whether to show off to the “hot babes” [eyebrows raise], or if one of those hot babes is his ex-girlfriend and you know because you hacked into her email, or if you slipped him the tongue in front of his friends so they’ll know how cute he is when they’re not around – then you’ve got a whole other issue festering beneath the guise of a simple smooch. Dudes have a keen sense of this madness, fear its possible foreshadowing and resent being objectified (oh, the irony).

In this case of the latter, fuck communication and pray he suffers from blackouts. If you really dig your bathroom puker, then for ef’s sake let this one-off slide and control your insanity until at least the three-month mark. A little territorialism is normal, but if proclaiming your relationship to the world is more important than your actual relationship, then you won’t be getting any kisses at all – public or otherwise.