There comes a time in every woman’s life when she must decide that it’s time to be an adult. After you alert everyone that you no longer do shots of Jäger above the toilet to “kill two birds with one stone” in case you throw up, it’s time to host a Grown Lady’s gathering. The following steps will help you transform what would otherwise be a crude shindig into your first sophisticated soiree:

Step One: Invite Your Guests
This one is pretty self-explanatory, but it’s important to consider the difference between a verbal “sounds cool” contract and a written, binding invitation. A personalized invitation says, “I care about whether or not you come, and also know for a fact that nothing is happening in your life that is more important than attending an event with hand-written invitations. C U THERE.”

Step Two: Sort Through Your Overwhelming RSVP List
If you’re sending out personalized invitations (‘scu me were you listening to STEP ONE, even?? You are sending personalized invitations.), then at this point you’re probably sitting amidst hundreds of RSVPs you’ve retrieved from the letterbox. Take a quiet sip of Orange Pekoe tea from your hand-painted tea set, and set to work writing down confirmed attendees, filtering guests into three categories: People You Actually Like, People Who You Work For Or Who Could Give You A Job, and Obligated Invitees Who Kind of Suck. A lady makes sure to invite for pleasure and politics (and that one friend from elementary school you don’t quite know how to drop).

Step Three: Make Elaborate, Ornamental Decorations
It is a scientific fact that the atmosphere of a party is greatly enhanced by the following items: Chinese paper lanterns, hanging origami cranes, figurines carved out of dried apples, and inspirational messages written in calligraphy. You know what they say, “Live. Laugh. Leave some incense in the bathroom, just in case.”

Step Four: Consider Dietary Restrictions
Instead of bending over backwards to accommodate the dietary restrictions of your guests, please remember that they will never be able to tell the difference between glutenous and gluten-free items—at least not until they get home and then it is not your problem. Same goes with the “secret meat” approach to hors d’oeuvres. A good hostess just claims that everything is gluten-free and vegan.

Step Five: Wear A Conservative Print
In keeping with the “sophisticated” theme, a knee-length frock with a delicate pattern is best suited for the type of gathering you’re organizing. Paired with a traditional low-heel in a muted colour, this ensemble says: “Remember how great get-togethers were before women were distracted by the right to vote?”

Step Six: Maintain Composure During Arrival of Guests
Gracefully glide toward the door and open it with all of the poise and charm you can muster. What I mean is: do not stumble over your own ungainly body while rushing to the door screaming “SOMEONE CAME! I HAVE FRIENDS!!!” into the faces of your guests.

Step Seven: Facilitate Pleasant Conversation Between Contrasting Groups
The most awkward part of a get-together is bringing together groups of people who would never otherwise interact with one another (like your mixed-media artist friends and your field hockey teammates). The only thing these people have in common is you, so it is your responsibility to bring up topical conversations that everyone can contribute to. Examples of this include, but are not limited to: The Sochi Olympics (specifically the Jesus-Christ-I-just-spat-my-coffee-onto-my-computer-looking-at-their-abs bodies of the Canadian Bobsleigh Team), places you’ve traveled to, and whether or not you think Beanie Babies will really ever be priceless collectors’ items.

Step Eight: Create Hype About The Appetizers
Perhaps the most fundamental of all hostess duties is convincing guests that the unidentifiable nuggets on sticks (spoiler alert: they’re nuggets on sticks) that you’re carrying around on a platter are worth trying. A helpful thing to keep in mind is that no one wants you to list the ingredients and to not use French.

Step Nine: Regulate The Fun
Things can get out of hand without the watchful eye of a careful hostess. A great way to moderate the amusement is to ask pointed questions about sensitive issues going on in your guests’ lives. You do not have to do this in front of everyone else, but rather corner the most boisterous few and let them know you’re always around to talk about their ongoing divorce/plateauing career/health concerns whenever they need. This will bring their mood down considerably, and keep the gathering from getting too wild.

Step Ten: Signal The End of the Party Creatively
If you’re anything like me, you pretty much want the party to be over as soon as you realize you can’t go hide in your room until everybody leaves. When you feel like you’re ready for everyone to “GTFO s’il vous plait,” you have a few options. You can put on your pyjamas and yawn a lot, take a fake-urgent phone call in your kitchen and tell everyone you need to go to the hospital to “tend to a friend who did not RSVP to this gathering,” or you can hand out loot bags—a universal sign for “leave my party now” since our Chuck E Cheese days. Classic. Bye y’all!

Well, you’ve done it. You’ve hosted a sophisticated gathering like a god-damned lady. Obviously it’s time to congratulate with some well-deserved Jäger shots over the toilet after everybody gets the hell out of your living room. Cheers!