So let me tell you about the time we dunked our unsuspecting son into a freezing cold pool and made him swallow chlorinated water…

…on purpose. 

Before you call child services, and in our defense – our swimming instructor made us do it! Actually, she made Dustin do it. I was sitting in the viewing gallery having a guilt-induced panic attack. “Wait a minute – did i just spend hours on hold with parks and rec trying to register my son for a drowning?!?!?!?!” That’s time I will never get back! 

Maybe our first clue should have been when the instructor informed us, as the babies and parents were getting into the water for the first time, that it’s “completely normal for your baby’s mouth to turn blue.” (She might be better suited to a career in correctional services, but that’s just me.)

But we soldiered on. Yes, our little Cy guy is taking swimming lessons, at the ungodly hour of 9 on sunday mornings, and in a freezing cold pool to boot. But he gets to blow bubbles, kick his feet, and practice jumping into the pool (into the waiting arms of daddy, of course.) so he’s loving every moment. Well, except for the dunking part. It was all going so swimmingly, Dust was beaming with pride as Cy splashed around like an old pro and I was snapping poorly focused photographs from the gallery – until the teacher decided to end the class by instructing the parents to blow in their child’s face (this is supposed to force an automatic response where the baby takes air in and closes his eyes and mouth) and proceed to dunk them underwater for a second.

Except this ‘blow’ had the opposite effect on Cy and he ended up going under wide-eyed, mouth agape, and generally ill prepared. Needless to say, he came back up with a mouthful of water and tears in his eyes, and i nearly hurled myself from the gallery at the instructor in an I’m-going-to-dig-my-long-nails-into-your-eyeballs-if-you-dare-try-that-again maternal fury.

Next week is his last class and he’s supposed to get a report card (!). I’m thinking about sitting this one out though. If the instructor makes Dust dunk him again, and I have to sit there in that gallery watching my baby suffer like that, I don’t know what I’ll do. i would hate for him to fail because his sleep-deprived, over-caffeinated mother couldn’t keep her s%^& together.