We Are All Millennial Unicorns

Last week, I wrote an article about Millennials, the Internet and a lunatic shopper in Zara who snapped at a cashier who refused to return her velvet racerback jumpsuit. Towards the end of my story, I offer an obvious conclusion that the Internet ruined us and now Millennials are getting seemingly worse. Basically, we’re a bunch of over-entitled jerks – and nobody knows what to do other than to bitch about it.

That’s when I noticed a comment from a woman who read my article: “Kinda tired of articles about how shitty Millenials are / how shitty an entire new generation of women are.” To which I responded (out loud): “Ugh, I hate that too.” – Oh fuck, I’m the one who wrote it. Anyways, I started thinking about it.

When did everyone start pissing all over Millennials? 1996. The year that a generation of fun-loving, innocent 90’s kids forgot to feed their Tamagotchis and hundreds of digital pets starved to death, smothered by their own feces – which explains why we were destined to become tech-savvy sociopaths.

Then in 1999, our parents asked us what we wanted to be when we grew up. We were told we could become glitter-fueled unicorns that could fly like R. Kelly’s eagles (if we wanted to). Obviously, we believed them. Years later, the world started to feel uneasy about Millennials; the fully grown kids who were raised to believe that unicorns have a six figure salary, R. Kelly was innocent and the word “no” is a synonym for “yes.”

But Millennials are awesome, despite everyone calling us ungrateful, lazy, entitled and selfish. We’re 24/7 accessible, obnoxiously creative with emoji stories and can devour a $2 piece of fried chicken on demand. Instead of following the rules like the generation before us, we’re fearless when it comes to getting what we want and asking for it. Not to mention, our friends are stuck with us forever – and it only makes sense to tag and humble brag about the people we would lend our TTC passes to in a heartbeat. Even if that means taking a few reckless selfies along the way to see our faces in a different filter; we’re learning about ourselves okay.

Everyone is an entrepreneur

If you’re not a vegan photographer, graphic designer, Etsy jewelry-maker, yoga instructor and freelance journalist all at the same time, you’re running behind. We like to do everything ourselves, and maybe that’s why we spent more time switching university programs than most older folks; only to end up in a program that’s a hybrid of 20 new media programs – like the “New Media of International Digital Innovation and Contemporary Pizza, Art and Architecture Studies Program.”

We’re also not ashamed to admit to weeping after eating a piece of garlic bread in a (mostly) gluten-free diet or that we’re becoming a vegan because we ate too many pizza pops as kids. The struggle is real, and we’re better for it because we’re aware of it and know that we have choices. Being self-aware is something to be proud of and Millennial unicorns can’t help but stand out and radiate glitter-covered confidence in any field of study. It comes naturally.

Impatience is a salary booster

I’m not prepared to waste the rest of my life waiting to do something I want to do right now. I know I have the skills that other people have, and for all I know, I was born with rare unicorn blood and have yet to be discovered as YouTube’s next celebrity dim-lit bedroom cover-singer. As a result of this unrealistic and therefore “bad attitude,” Millennials are fast-tracking careers and applying for new positions, getting fired and finding opportunity elsewhere if they aren’t moving up the ladder quick enough. I get it, high turnover is bad for business, but if you’re an entrepreneur or a “square peg” with a spirit like Black Beauty on battery power, the world is an exciting green field of trendy new business cards, salary benefits and sleek silk blazers that fall apart after a month of late night dance parties. We’re moving quickly, so catch up and stop bitching about it.

Nobody is really sleeping, like ever.

Remember that movie 24 Hour Party People? Well, that’s us. While Millennial-haters are losing time sleeping, we’re sending emails while dropping it hot on funk night, drafting cover letters while simultaneously eating crab cakes at the Lakeview and networking over skinny cigarettes and the last episode of Pretty Little Liars.

The day never ends, and because we’re not sleeping. We are getting ahead with an always ready to party attitude that’s helping us network over obscure subjects; like the #TorontoStreetCarSex incident or Rex Manning Day. And then when the sunrise crashes the party and we’ve only slept for 2 hours, we walk to work still feeling a little crunk, with a benevolent smile on our faces because life is pleasantly filled with charming strangers, finger-licking greasy food and missed connections. Morning Boss!

Everyone has 1000 followers

Off the top of my head, I can think of like ten people who I consider to be internet famous. Kate, Yuli, Danielle, Neda, Paul, Yolanda, Phil, my friend’s French Bulldog Louie, Moya’s cat Pip and Fuck Jerry. It’s a healthy dose of confidence. The quest to be as cool as the lead singer in Future Islands will never die, so let us be internet famous because it’s going to happen no matter what.

We’re obsessed with EVERYTHING

There’s nothing wrong with being obsessed with internet stuff. We’re insanely passionate and because everyone is mildly A.D.D. and super aspirational, we can’t help but be extreme and type in ALL CAPS. We’re outgoing, and when we find things that explode our brains, we want to tell the world with LOLs, OMG and (!!!!!!). This also makes it easy for us to find happiness in simple things like baby kittens, angry babies and latte art with smiley faces.

Rest assured, there are no statistics, facts or scholarly references in this article to support my secondary Millennial conclusion; that we’re effortlessly smooth, cool and rad (all at the same time). But that’s beside the point. Everyone hates on Millennials because they’re jealous they didn’t have a Tamagotchi to kill when they were a kid.

Sarah Brown is a confidently confused twenty-something living in Chinatown; she loves mom jeans and hates networking.