Oooh, oh Mercy, Mercy Me. At the Mercy of the government, the fire marshal, the health department and Ikea? Is it too much to ask to want to walk into a store and pick out a few shelves and be on your way? Have you ever felt like your very humanity was put to the test and “Going Postal” was a very probable outcome?

What happens to humans at Ikea? They turn into circle walking drones, with breeders mistaking it for Chuck E. Cheese and tourists thinking it’s a furniture petting zoo, taking pictures and stopping in packs so large it’s impossible to find or see anything.

I am ashamed to admit that I had a full on claustrophobic breakdown all the while chanting “Lola needs shelves,” and I have two separate sets of friends who ended relationships over the fact that they couldn’t work together to get out of that unholy place.

What put me over the edge and on the verge of tears was the ass-cheese and spittle smell of those meatballs and the caged children in the ball jumping thingy.

Is it natural to eat in a store that requires you assemble everything with an Allen Key?

Is it natural to not ever seem to find an exit or to be subjected to words in Swedish with arrows directing you to another faux room, with yet another faux telephone that won’t even allow you to call 911 because you are about to die of faux meatball inhalation!?!

At the end of the day I managed to leave Dykea (as my bff calls it because all of us Lesbos shop there) without round housing anyone to the back and with the shelves no less. On my way home I stopped off at my Nonna’s and Lady K and I ate our feelings away in the form of another ball….Suppli. I grew up on these things and my hips are almost completely composed of them as they are perfection filled with fatty cheese and then deep fried, yippee! We have decided that this expectable form of food ball must be on our menu if as nothing else but a reminder to never return to Ikea……now Lola has balls!

Italian Stuffed Rice Balls (Suppli alla Telefono)

You will require the following ingredients
4 cloves of minced garlic
4 tablespoons of olive oil
½ white onion finely diced
8 ounces of cooked, seasoned Arborio rice
3 tablespoons of fresh chopped basil
2 tablespoons of chopped parsley
3 oz of grated Asiago cheese
1 oz of grated parmesan
1 ball of grated mozzarella
½ cup of tomato sauce (reserve about 4 cups for dipping)
2 ounces of sun dried tomatoes diced
A pinch of ground chili flakes
2 oz of flour
2 eggs, lightly beaten
4 oz of breadcrumbs
Vegetable oil for deep-frying
Salt and freshly ground pepper to taste

Method

1. Cook rice according to instruction and put aside.
2 In a skillet lightly heat oil and sauté garlic, onions, basil and parsley and fold mixture into the rice. Spread rice out on a cookie sheet and refrigerate until cool.
3. Remove rice from fridge and fold in Asiago, parmesan, chili flakes and tomato sauce. Divide mixture into small balls of equal sizes.
4. Push about a teaspoon of mozzarella and a pinch of sun dried tomatoes into the center of each ball, reform.
5. Season your flour with salt and pepper to taste. Lightly roll your balls in flour, shaking off the excess. Then roll them in the egg followed by the breadcrumbs.
6. Deep fry until golden brown and serve with hot tomato sauce on the side.

Cooking tip: Lightly oil the palms of your hands before working with Arborio as it can be quite sticky.