“Wanna do it on the stairs?” I ask in my most seductive voice.

My boyfriend raises his eyebrow at me. He has just come into our bedroom after a shower and I’m lying in bed with a cute top and silky panties on (although this is totally lost on him because I am under exactly four layers of covers plus one quilt. I hate winter).

“I got the idea from the newlywed show. The host asked this woman, ‘where is the craziest place you’ve ever made whoopee?’ and she said ‘on the stairs’ and I thought to myself – hmm, that could be hot.”

My boyfriend gives me another look before starting to lather up his whole body with Aveda lotion. He has very sensitive skin.

“Ok, so I’ll take that as a no… How about role-play? We could pretend we’re on a first date or something and you’re going to de-flower me.”

“Could you get my back?” He says.

I think about it. “Only if you come beside me so I don’t have to get out from under the covers.”

He obliges and I start rubbing lotion on those hard-to-reach back bits.

“EOW! Your hands are COLD!”

“OH — we could do the naughty nurse, dirty doctor thing, that might be fun. Or if you want we could look up some nasty porn – but nasty like sexy nasty, not like two girls one cup nasty.”

My boyfriend finishes exfoliating and starts rubbing his cock. “Or we could just have sex.”

“But we always ‘just have sex’. I’m in the mood for something out of the ordinary.”

“I could pretend to dominate you.”

“No, we do that enough in real life when you nag me to clean up my stuff.”

“Lauren that’s not being dominating, that’s expressing a desire to live in a semi-clean house!”

Uh oh, I know that tone. There goes his erection (and mine if I had a penis).

“Ok, ok, whatever,” I try to recover, “the point is, I want to try something dangerous and erotic and exciting! And then we can generate a good sexual memory to turn us on for future romps.”

He flops down on the bed next to me. “I don’t even know what that means. Want to watch a movie?”

I sigh. “Which one?”

“Speed. I found it downstairs on VHS.”

“Really? I haven’t seen that in forever!”

I fall asleep halfway through the movie and wake up at 8AM the next morning to his raging sleeping-semi. I whisper to him –

“Wanna just have sex?”

And we do. I guess I’ll try to sell the stair thing tomorrow night.