Photo by: Jocelyn Reynolds

So. You graduated from an institute of higher learning with a degree in something super useful like English Lit or Medieval Studies. Instead of taking time off, you were chomping at the bit to put it to use in the real world. You landed a job right away. Well, not a job, an internship. Sure you weren’t paid, but you hunkered down in your parent’s basement and didn’t have sex for a year. But, as you told your friends (and yourself) every night as you went home alone: it would pay off in the long run. And hey! It did. You got a job, a good one. With, like, a desk and your own extension. You suddenly had benefits, lieu days and savings. You moved out from the basement cavern and into some cramped starter place “with potential.” All in all, life was pretty gravy. Then one day you woke up and realized you were prematurely thirty-five. When you’re friends had been sleeping in vans in the Outback you were in board meetings. While people you knew were getting MAs you mastered the art of Excel and client bullshitting. Holy shit. You own a suit.

Not sure what these feelings of self-doubt are? Relax, you’re just having a quarter-life crisis. Here’s what to do.

1. Turn twenty-five. Look, this isn’t ageism, it’s just math. And math don’t lie. It’s already presumptuous to call this a quarter-life crisis as that assumes you’ll live to 100, so you get a buffer zone of 24-26 to freak out. But, if you get these feelings at 30 or 35, you’re out of luck. That’s an existential crisis.

2. Quit your job. And by job, I don’t mean hawking Bieber CDs with a sullen scowl at the local HMV. I mean something that your grandparents were super proud of you for. Something that required you to not be hung over, get in early and activate more than a quarter of your brain. Ideally (for your sake), something that will require you to get rid of a stack of business cards Gambit-style. Anyways, yeah. Quit it.

3. Go traveling. This is slightly more complex as it sets the tone for your quarter-life crisis. Do you want to do good? Africa, fo’ sheez. Better yourself? Indian ashram it is. Find your faith? Israel, for those of the Abrahamic religions. Prove just how different you are? Got to be Chernobyl. Party? Australia. These are just a few ideas to get you going.

4. Go back to school. In terms of order this step is interchangeable with the third. But it’s equally essential as it raises a key question to a quarter-life crisis: what are you passionate about? Indigenous feminist political activism in Latin America? Manifestations of nationalism through partition politics in cinema? Co-option of gender paradigms in 14th century France? Great. Find a program that will let you write a gazillion pages about it.

5. Get a roommate. Since you blew a lot of that nest egg being unemployed/traveling/going back to school you are going to have to downsize. Sure, living alone is great. It’s quiet, tidy and you can do pretty much everything naked. But it also screams maturity and financial solvency. So buddy-up, better yet, triple up. The more roommates you can find the better. In fact, just find the nearest frat house renting rooms and call it a day.

There you have it. You followed steps one through five and now are in your mid-twenties, broke, over-educated and living with guys named Bruce and Chad. Kinda sounds like you fucked up. Relax, that’s what your twenties are for.
~Kiva Reardon

Kiva Reardon is a freelance writer and blogger based in Toronto. You can follow her @kiva_jane.