It has come to my attention that some people I and other women and femme-types are interacting with are bothered by the way we look, the way we behave, and the sound of our voices. My expertise in human interaction has taught me that the important thing about human interactions is that they go as smoothly as possible. Naturally, it is the job of women and femmes to make these interactions go smoothly. Thus, I have developed a list of suggestions for my fellow femme humans as to how they can make themselves more palatable to the people they are talking to.

  1. Carry a blindfold with you at all times. That way, when you encounter somebody who is offended by some part of your physical appearance, you can lend it to them—relieved of their ability to see you or anything else, they will be able to relax, and your human interaction with them will go smoothly!
  2. Create a notepad with pre-written statements on it so you will be able to communicate, should you find yourself speaking to someone who hates the sound of your voice. I suggest statements like, “I don’t care what you think,” “Upspeak is evidence of emotional intelligence,” and “You can pry my vocal fry from my cold dead throat, fucko.” Clear statements like this will help you finish your human interactions quickly, and a fast human interaction is a smooth human interaction.
  3. When you have to interact with a human who finds your very existence offensive, simply wear a fake moustache and tell them you are a dude. Suddenly your vocal fry is evidence of gravitas, and your outfit is none of their business—it’s almost like magic, or like they view dudes as actual full human beings who deserve their respect and attention!
  4. If after all of this the human you are interacting with continues to complain about the way you are interacting with other humans, you have permission to stop interacting with them—they will be relieved to know that they will never have to have any contact with you ever again, as you would not piss on them if they were on fire.

With these tips and tricks, you will find your human interactions going more smoothly than ever. Remember, when it comes to vocal fry: I will never stop creaking at you. Neverrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.