I have been coitus-ing whilst living with other humans (who I am not related to) for approximately 7 years.

As a loud, strong, sex-hungry person it has never been an easy feat. I’m not moaning like ten shrieking cats in heat or anything, but my oohing and ahhing is at a higher volume than most. This is due to the fact that I have both awful hearing and excellent theatre training.

But nobody wants to be the roommate who disturbs the entire household with their vocal ejaculations, banging of the furniture, slamming of the bodies and the subtle (yet distinctly recognizable) opening of the condom. All the while your roomies are making dinner in the kitchen and attempting to keep their food down.

There is obviously no shame in wanting to fornicate 24/7, but how can one get to the intercoursing without disturbing the games night your roomies are hosting in the living room? Well, only by using these super handy, 100% guaranteed, totally realistic tips. Apply these babies to your copulating and it’ll almost be like you’re not copulating at all. Doesn’t that sound AWESOME?

Pretend you are in a silent movie
Instead of speaking words, hold up signs to indicate that you like what’s currently going down. The signs could read: “Oh my god!” or “Yes. Yes! YESSSSS!” or “RIGHT THERE. KEEP GOING. DON’T STOP!” or “I’m commmminggggggggg! Like silent movie actors you’ll need to use your face to communicate your emotion so make sure to smile large, aggressively nod, and grimace like you’ve never grimaced before.

Do it on the floor to avoid headboard banging
The headboard is a classic noisemaker. The way to avoid it? Bump fuzzies on the lush, carpeted ground! If you don’t have a carpet, hardwood will do. Or if you’d prefer to be more comfortable, put the mattress on the floor like an irresponsible frat boy.

Make your orgasm noise into a paper bag as if you’re hyperventilating
When you feel the big O approaching, have a brown paper bag ready to go beside you. Then yell your “Ahhs”, breathe your heavy breaths, and scream your lungs into it. It might not be an ideal climax situation, but your pals will appreciate you not making their dinner party mega awkward.

Pretend that your roommates are your strict parents and you’re a rebellious teen
“Shhhhh. QUIET. Mom and Dad are down the hall!” is an example of a statement you would make in this fun role-playing game. You’re an angsty teenager, who illegally drinks coolers and talks back to your chemistry teacher and your faux guardians are crazy religious worrywarts who decorated your room for you. Hang a cross above your bed, place a Bible on your nightstand, and tape a large picture of Jesus to your ceiling. Constantly remind your lover that if your father finds the two of you in there you’ll be grounded until you DIE.

Move like you’re in a slow motion action scene
The harder your thrusts are the louder your sexy relations are going to be. Solution? Triple the time of that thrust as if you’re in the middle of a cinematic car crash and the audience is on the edge of their seats. If it was taking you two seconds, make it 6 seconds (and then triple that). If each pump is around 20 seconds long, this night of lovemaking will drop under the radar.

Blast full volume music from beginning to end
It can be sensual jazz or it can be heavy metal. Choose a song that you can freely horizontal tango to (which also acts as an auditory camouflage). Your roommates will likely get pissed off that the tunes are blaring but believe me, they’ll prefer guitar solos over penis riffs.

Buy your roomies stylish ear plugs that they won’t be able to resist wearing
Tell them that ear plugs are the new earrings and are all the rage these days. It might take some real convincing but once they buy into it you’ll be banging like you’re doing construction work outside their windows.

Cover your walls in inexpensive fiberglass
Soundproof your bedroom by going to your local Home Depot and picking-up enough fiberglass for all four walls. Then grab a glue gun and plaster away. This may be exhausting, time-consuming, and completely unnecessary, but your clitoris will thank you later.