On the weekends, I deliberately avoid everyone I know.

I worship the sacred hours of solo time, where I can do my boring errands and wander the streets without running into an old fling, ex-roommate or friend-of-friend whose name I can’t remember. Leaving the city or hibernating inside isn’t an option when the sun is out, and hanging out with people requires cash I’ll spend on something else later. That’s why I avoid people I know. Harder than it sounds, I’m aware. But there’s a way, and I’m going to save you a ten-minute Google search and share my unsolicited advice so you can save money and avoid people too.

Wear aggressively big sunglasses

Remember: It’s easy to recognize friends-of-friends, ex-boyfriends, yoga classmates, colleagues, DJs, and one-night stands when there’s eye contact. So wear the biggest, blackest, heaviest pair of sunglasses you can find. If you’re not wearing a pair of big and bulky “fuck off” shades, you’re practically begging people to stop you on the street for a twenty minute catch-up. These dreaded hit-and-run conversations always take place in sacred off-duty areas like the middle of the crosswalk, coffee shop lineups, Trinity Bellwoods and vintage stores on Queen West. It starts with: “OMG – HEY YOU!” then quickly avalanches into a dead-zone of nothingness: Hi. How are you? Good! You? Good! Cool! Good?! So happy. Yeah! Me too. Cool. Really good! Bye! GOOD. There you have it. Twenty minutes of your life wasted; catching up with a friend-of-friend you met at a party three years ago when you idolized Sublime and danced on tables. And for what? A heartfelt exchange of good, cool, yeah, awesome, and alright? Save time. Avoid eye contact. Wear monster sunglasses.

Trick people on Instagram into thinking you’ve left the city

Next level, but totally necessary. You plan a virtual escape on the Internet, then trick people into thinking you’ve left the city for an impromptu vacation by posting an exotic #TBT photo so you can easily decline weekend brunch invitations and hangouts. “Sorry, like I really can’t right now. I’m dancing in a cloud forest reserve in Costa Rica.” On Sunday, remember to post a follow-up: “Sike! Didn’t go to Costa Rica, suckers!” Mission accomplished. Your girlfriends think you’re a psychopath, but that’s okay. Because you managed to avoid everyone and saved extra spending money for summer vacation.

Look angry and disturbed at all times

You’re contorting your face to appear miserable and unwelcoming. You don’t want anybody to talk to you. You’re owning the resting bitch face for the purpose of anti-social non-interaction. To master this unflattering facial expression, relax lips into prune-like frown and squint eyes like a troubled cowboy. Give people this face on the street and they’ll avoid you from a mile away like a stinky streetcar fart. Avoiding people is easy when you look angry and disturbed.

Dress up like a tourist from Yonge and Dundas Square

This involves a little role playing. Dodging people you know sometimes means you have to make people want to avoid you, and this involves expertise. To successfully master the Y&D tourist look, you must adopt the behaviour of an obnoxious uncle. Grab a bright blue Walt Disney millennium sweater, Roots ball cap, fanny pack and ugly yellow sports sunglasses. You’re a walking clash of clothing pieces with no concept of location, space or appropriate walking speed. If someone sees you imitating the behaviours of a Y&D tourist, they’ll do everything possible to avoid a run-in with you. Pro tip: walk in the middle of the sidewalk, ask strangers where the CN Tower is, abruptly stop in the middle of pedestrian traffic, stare at the sky and point at street cars – “Wow, look at that!” Nobody will bother you, like ever.

Scout hidden dive bars with scary dark lighting

You’re committed to solo time, but still want to throw back a drink somewhere you won’t run into anyone. Where you ask? It’s called Rock Bottom and it’s near Dundas and Dovercourt. There’s people in this bar, but probably nobody you would know. The DJ is called Dan and the bartender is called Derek – a.k.a Dan the DJ and Derek the Bartender. He’ll ask you for your I.D., then you’ll sit back and sip on a Stiegl while eavesdropping on Tinder dates and listening to jaded city vets talk rap music and “kids today.” Rest assured, you can have a drink in peace – away from the towering heeled dinosaurs of Ossington and gangs of pierced indie bands outside the Garrison. Rule of thumb: if the bar is not on BlogTo, you’re in the clear. Look for places that look dark and uninviting, these are the hidden meeting places of anti-social cheapskates alike.

Find sanctuary in deserted children’s parks

This would be unfortunately creepy if I were an old man, but luckily for me – I’m a harmless, jean-jacket wearing, educated woman in broad daylight! Trinity Bellwoods is out of the question because you’ll run into everyone you’ve ever met, lived with, dated or had sex with in the period of ten seconds. That’s why I suggest that you walk around the corner and go to George Ben Park. Outside, in the fresh air, you can enjoy being alone while pretending to sunbathe on the invisible island of La Grande Jatte. It’s basically an isolated paradise for introverted staycationers – and you’re guaranteed not to run into anybody you know.

Spend the entire day in the east end reading Monica Heisey’s new book: “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Better: A Woman’s Guide to Coping With Life”

Unless they are raising a family, work on a production set or consider themselves porn stars – no west enders hang out in the east end. During the weekends (when it’s all sunshine, young families and adorable bull dogs) you can safely relish the solitude of the quiet east side without running into anyone while reading Monica Heisey’s new book, I Can’t Believe It’s Not Better: A Woman’s Guide to Coping with Life. In case you haven’t heard of it, celebrity Lena Dunham baptized this book with an all-star Amazon review: “The only humour book I ever want to own…made me keel over with laughter.” So if you’re in the mood for a “humour book,” drop by Type Books (wearing sunglasses & tourist gear) and pick up for undercover weekend reading. Bring Advil to remedy keeling cramps of laughter.

Abandon social media entirely

If I could turn off my phone and computer for an entire weekend, I really would. I’d deactivate all my emails, apps and buzzers so I could frolic in the wind without a bra, charger or backpack. That said, to avoid other human beings, do not tell them where you are. Do not share what you’re eating, who you’re with and where you plan to be in ten seconds. Stop sharing. Stop updating. Stop uploading. Don’t hashtag. Don’t check-in to Foursquare. Don’t tag other people. Don’t post. You’re walking around the city with an invisible poncho on and nobody knows where you are because you’re not telling anyone. Turn off your phone while you’re at it. It’s the only way to get away from it all. You are an undercover secret agent with no name, no reception and no charger. Avoiding people is easy when you’re not online. Duh.

Now savour this sacred alone time while you have it; it won’t last forever.