Wedding season is fast approaching and that might mean your life is already filled with women (or men) going on and on about their impending nuptials.  A woman in my family and two in my office are currently planning their respective big days, and seem to have forgotten any other topics of conversation exist.

If you’re like me and would rather be strangled with a novelty garter than watch a full episode of Say Yes to the Dress, you probably don’t want to be involved in wedding chat 24/7. Here are some key responses to ensure your bride-to-be friends leave you the hell alone re: your opinions about wedding plans. They may ask you once, but answer with any of these and that’ll be the last time they do!

Bride Question: Should I let my friends bring their babies to the wedding?
Your Answer:  Absolutely. Make it mandatory that every guest bring with them at least one baby.  If no baby is available, a pet will suffice (NO FISH. They don’t count, and people who own them as pets have no personality and should not be allowed to attend such a beautiful celebration of love and togetherness).

Bride Question: What colour dresses should the bridesmaids wear?
Your Answer: Leopard-print onesies. Everyone knows comfort is critical since these gals are going to be helping you out all day with your celebration garbage. You should make sure they get the comfort they deserve while supporting you. They’ve been there with you all along, so return the favour by giving them freedom to lunge deeply and freely as the mood strikes. (Tiger-print patterns also acceptable.)

Bride Question: What do you think we should use as centrepieces?
Your Answer: A sacrificial goat. Nothing says “Tru Luvv 4Ev” like the ritual killing of a live beast as an offering to the gods of matrimony. Want to make sure all your guests remain on the good side of various pagan deities?  One dead baby goat per table is the way to go.

Bride Question: Where should we honeymoon?
Your Answer: I’ve got a bunk bed, some scented candles and can get pretty lonely. Think about it.

Bride Question: What kind of cake should we get?
Your Answer: Oooh, do you really think you should be eating cake?

Bride Question: Where should we have my bachelorette party?
Your Answer: I already booked us a room at Café Amore, the restaurant where the first boyfriend you said you were going to marry broke up with you and left you with an inability to be intimate for a good 9 years until you met Duane.*

Bride Question: Should I get a band or a DJ?
Your Answer: I know of a great band that just won the Battle of the Bands competition in my old high school gym in Burlington. They’re called Vaginal Finger Trap and play something called heavy death sexcore metal? I can totally get you their phone number. You can do your first dance to their fun single, “Lusting for Night Blood!”

Bride Question: Where should I get my dress?
Your Answer: Why not make your dress your “something old?” My Aunt Gladys wore this beautiful dress on her wedding day, the same day her fiancé fled the country and she hung herself. All blood stains have already been dry-cleaned. You can thank me later.

You may have to destroy a friendship in the process, but at least you’ll finally get yourself some peace and quiet.

*Replace Duane with name of Bride’s fiancé.