Dear MJ,
I was on a date with a girl the other night and told her she looked a few months pregnant in the top she was wearing. It didn’t go over so well. She was obviously offended because she ate the rest of her meal in silence and the night went downhill from there. I was just being honest! My question is: how could I have phrased my thoughts differently?

Honestly Confused Dude

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Dear Confused Dude,
If your thoughts have anything to do with your girl looking fat or PREGNANT please do yourself a favour and just don’t phrase them at all. Why? Because you simply cannot win. It’s not true what they say about honesty being the best policy. In most cases, it’s the worst policy. You may have gathered that the other night.

I’m not saying you’re not entitled to your opinion. What I’m saying is that if it’s more important to you to have your opinion heard than to make your girl happy and essentially get yourself laid, then keep going with the stupid “honest” comments.

Experience has taught me many things, one of them being that men and women often have differing opinions on what’s sexy.

Allow me to illustrate my point:

– High-waisted jeans. we think: sexy throw back; they think RIDICULOUS

– Baby doll dresses: we think adorable; they think we’re hiding a fat ass

– Boyfriend jeans: we think this season’s hottest trend; they think we shit ourselves

– Frilly jammies: we think too cute for words; they think: take that stupid thing off and let me see you naked.

If your girl asks “do I look pregnant in this top?” (and she does), you basically have 2 options:

Response #1) “yeah, totally”= doghouse, no sex.

Response # 2) “well, now that you mention it, it’s a little looser than some of the other tops I’ve seen you in. You look really pretty though. I love your hair like that.” = good save, reward: all night sex.

Positive reinforcement is always the way to go. Compliment the things you like and seal it up on the things you don’t. Tell a girl her ass looks great in those jeans and she’ll wear them every chance she gets. Say “I love that top on you” and she’ll get it in three colours. Profess “you’re so beautiful au naturel” and she’ll ditch the Tammy Faye look forever.

I know, we’re a confusing bunch. Just keep this simple fact in mind: if a girl feels sexy, she’ll act sexy. Trust me on this. Half the dudes you look at and wonder how they got that girl did so by making her feel HOT. All the frigging time. No matter what she’s wearing (or not wearing).

Yours in forever love,

MJ