I have been asked many times by colleagues at various places of work why, on certain days, I look so “gloomy,” so “melancholy,” so “down in the dumps,” so “bummed out,” so “pissed off,” and so “NOT SMILING??” I’m increasingly frustrated when I hear comments/questions/criticisms like this, and more specifically when others put in a request for me to turn my supposed “frown” upside down—aka whip out a cute, little, positive-thinking smirk, the kind of smirk befitting a proper office maiden.

Why does this happen so frequently? Is my resting face as gloomy/melancholy/down in the dumps/bummed out/pissed off/not smiling as it sounds? I don’t know and I can honestly say that I don’t care. Regardless of what the muscles in my face are actively forming (pissed off, neutral or otherwise), these comments/questions/requests are complete and utter bull crap. Bull crap that needs to stop. Bull crap that is getting old. Bull crap that happens to far too many friends of mine and happens to far too many women, in particular. I can no longer “grin and bear it” when people shout at me “Smile, sweetheart!” or “You have a beautiful smile. Why don’t you use it?” or “Don’t look sad! Life is great. You should be happy. LOOK HAPPY.” No. I do not want to look happy right now. I do not want to smile. I do not want to be called sweetheart. What makes you think you have the right to command me to do this?

Also, WHY are you doing this? WHY are these individuals so concerned with the state of my mouth? What are they intending to achieve with the inquiry? Are they genuinely worried about my well-being? Doubtful, since their comments/questions/criticisms are typically oozing with passive-aggressive, belittling judgement. Are they doing it to gain a sense of power over me? Possibly, but how much power can you gain really by shifting someone’s facial expression ever so slightly? (A surprising amount, it turns out.) If it happens at work, is it to keep up appearances that employees are content in their current positions and don’t have a worry in the world? Maybe. I might never have the answer. All I know for certain is that the act itself, no matter why it happens, is ridiculous, inappropriate and just plain asshole-y.

As I’m sure you can tell, I’m a tad angry in regards to this issue and I often ask myself… am I overreacting? Should I “take it easy”? Should I “calm down”? Should I just shine an enormous grin in hopes that they’ll back off? I mean, who am I hurting really if I simply acquiesce? How much harm are these folks doing by essentially beseeching me to be happy? Is asking someone to smile truly that… bad?

YES. Yes it is and here are a few reasons why.

They do not have authority over my body
They are acting like they are Commander In Chief of my face. Like they are parental guardians of my lips. Like they are CEO of the company “Show us some teeth, Jess!” This is simply another case of someone trying to take ownership over my body, and specifically, since more often than not it’s a man making the request, a dude trying to take ownership over a woman’s body. But newsflash: The only person who makes decisions over what my bod is doing is moi. No one else has Power of Attorney on that one and you won’t be able to convince me otherwise. ‘Cause it’s my body and I’ll cry if I want to. Cry if I want to. Cry if I want to. End of story.

They don’t know me at all, like literally at all
I’m only more aggravated by this request when it’s made by complete strangers on the street who feel the need to stop me from going about my day and share advice which I do not want and have no interest in listening to. They tell me I should smile as if they mean something to me. As if we’re old buds and they know me well enough to make such a statement. Hey, total rando who just passed by me on the sidewalk and told me I would look prettier if I smiled, I do not know you. Please refrain from acting like we’re best friends. I do not want you to share your opinion on my face with me. Please, I implore you, take your delightful suggestion and shove it up your buttocks. It will do more good there.

They have no clue what I’m going through
Most of the people who entreat me to smile are acquaintances at best or complete strangers (see above point). So why do they assume that they’re totally updated on the happenings of my life and that I’m not genuinely upset over a serious matter? They have no clue if I’m experiencing a tragedy. If I’m recovering from a loss in my family. If I’m sick. If I’m injured. If I was just rejected. If I dropped a donut on the ground and I can’t recover. If that zit on my back is growing larger and causing me grief. If I looked at my bank account and immediately headed into a downward spiral of despair. THEY DON’T KNOW SHIT. I’m a complicated lady and it’s insulting that these idiots think I’m simply not smiling because no one reminded me to.

They are treating me like a child
You tell a baby to stop crying. You tell a toddler to use the potty. You tell a six-year-old to take a nappy poo because they “look tired.” You don’t tell a 28-year-old woman to “say cheese” when there is no picture being taken and she is in the middle of a work meeting surrounded by her coworkers. Before I was all grown-up my mom could get her “making me do what she wanted me to do because she kind of owned me” thang on, but not anymore. I’m a legit adult and with being a legit adult comes the freedom to look however I CHOOSE to look.

They are trying to shame me
When someone asks you “why” you’re not doing something or “why” you’re behaving in the way that you are you’re going to naturally begin feeling self-conscious about not doing or doing said thing. A part of you is being singled out, picked apart, and scrutinized and this often makes us respond with insecurity, embarrassment, and shame. When someone tells me to smile I feel like they’re shaming me for being… me. For acting in the way I was choosing to act. For my face taking on it’s instinctive form. I should never feel shame for expressing my true self or my true emotions. I am not and you are not a freak for not smiling ear to ear. We are beautiful and normal and amazing even while we’re scowling (or I should say ESPECIALLY while we’re scowling).
The next time someone advises me to grin, I’m going to respond in one of three ways:
1. “Um, no”
2. “Go fuck yourself”
3. I release a loud fart and say “My butt just smiled. That’s what you meant, right?”