I am an eternal procrastinator and with that condition comes the desire to not move my body, specifically my legs /hands/brain whenever possible. To give you an example, I took three naps before writing this (which is when the above photo was taken) and when I say three naps I mean I had a regular 8-hour sleep in the middle of the day so here we are! It’s 4 a.m. and I’ve decided to finally GET UP AND DO THE SHIT I SHOULD HAVE DONE TWO YESTERDAYS AGO.

Therefore, I’m writing this list of tips and tricks more for myself than to enrich YOUR lives. Present Jess is taking care of future Jess by whipping her into shape via her own writing/self-criticisms/need to pay her Rogers bill. I have struggled with the above mentioned getting up and doing shit for what feels like years/the beginning of my existence/as soon as my mother ovulated.

One of my first memories is my father ripping me from my bed when I was 4-years-old in an attempt to get me to school on time (a highly unrealistic goal). What made the situation more dire was that he, himself, had a problem with scheduling and organization and to-do lists as well, so his attempts at being a responsible father typically happened an hour later than it should have been happening. Laziness, not owning an agenda and ignoring the rules of space and time seems to run in my family and is a characteristic that has unfortunately been passed down to me from my parental units. As hard as my mother tried to instill the idea that one should REALLY adhere to school deadlines she would also give me tips like “don’t leave the house if it’s hot outside” and “it’s hot inside so we’re not leaving the house”.

The old, stupid (100% true) saying goes: “Old habits die hard.” But I am ignorantly hopeful and I have promised myself that this is the year I become a better version of my formerly nap-addicted self. I vow to turn those 5-hour naps into 15 minute naps (that when combined together add up to 5 hours) or maybe no naps… yes no naps is probably the best solution. Although, maybe napping IS the solution? No, Jess. MOVE AWAY FROM THE PILLOW. I REPEAT MOVE AWAY FROM THE PILLOW AND PUT DOWN THE WEAPON AKA YOUR SLEEP MASK. Past Jess, listen to present Jess for future Jess’s sake. She knows what’s up and is here to help you function like a regular human.

For the love of god get out of your bedroom

This is where it all begins. The exiting of the boudoir and, more accurately, removing yourself from the mattress in said boudoir. Stepping foot outside of the place you snooze is mega important ‘cause if you don’t the temptation to get a bit of shut eye/miss 18 doctor appointments/forget you have a job will always be present. I honestly find if I depart from the dreaded chamber my success rate of doing anything goes from 10% to 70%. And as I bestow this knowledge upon you I am realizing I am doing so from my bed so let us withdraw from the current location together and fulfill our destinies.

For the love of god get out of your home

Ah. Much better. I am now in my kitchen sucking back a nice large cup of AMBITION. Why is it that my productivity quadruples simply by entering a kitchen? There are studies that answer this question. Studies that I am not familiar with and will not quote. But I speculate it has to do with our mind/body association between sleep/relaxation/leisure and the bedroom. Meanwhile, the kitchen is known to be a goal oriented place of labour and desired outcomes. You know what’s also a place of labour and desired outcome? ANY PLACE THAT ISN’T YOUR HOME SO GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE RUN NOW DO IT. The act of walking will alone give you fuel to take on the world. When you get to a coffee shop and there are other humans present, you can suck them of their energy and creativity.

Caffeine is and always will be your BFF

I hate to encourage consuming an addictive intoxicant but man does this addictive intoxicant feel damn inspiring. This is nothing new and I’m fully aware that caffeine is not a permanent solution, but it is a sweet, sweet balm that can give me that extra push to finally finish that photo collage I have been making for 12 years.

Don’t observe others doing stuff just like do stuff yourself

Watching, and reading, and listening is all fun and good and entertaining, but eventually you need to take a break from being educated and apply the skills you’ve acquired throughout your life education, or else you’re just living vicariously through others. Being productive means fulfilling your own dreams, not monitoring the dreams of not-you.

Make a REALISTIC to-do list and compartmentalize that junk

I am a person whose eyes are far bigger than my stomach/brain capacity/available time in a day. I begin pragmatically setting out objectives for myself which include; respond to that email, write this piece, edit that video, but those quickly become write/direct/produce and star in ten feature films in a month, open a hat store, make a new life for yourself in Australia, domesticate a skunk, and so on and so on. Keep the list short and achievable and take it step by step (aka compartmentalize that JUNK). Divide those tasks and conquer ‘em one by one. If you’re like me this will be way less anxiety inducing than attempting to direct movies that require you to open hat stores in Australia.

Plan your life so that others will hate you if you don’t follow through

This might be one of the best bets for doing things with your things. If there is a chance that a friendship may end if you don’t take control and grab the reins of your career then that’s simply fabulous. The more potential friends that could be lost the better. If you’re supposed to meet someone and you don’t and they won’t speak to you again for it, well there’s nothing like saying goodbye to a loved one to make you realize you need to take charge.

Busyness is the path to being busy

Do not leave yourself time for napping/daydreaming/facebooking/stalking of exes/daydreaming of facebooking stalking exes while napping. The more jam-packed your calendar, the more you’ll execute your targets. GUARANTEED.

Buy yourself a “#1 greatest person mug” and use that mug every day

Self-love, self-encouragement, and self-confidence is vital to following through on anything. If you are continually diarrhea-ing on yourself and reiterating that you cannot and will not do this and even if you tried your darnedest to do it you still wouldn’t be able to make a dent in this so why bother you stink – then baby, you ain’t never gonna be a contender. Get in front of that mirror and fist pump the air and wink at yourself hard and say “I’m a magical unicorn named Beyonce capable of performing miracles ‘cause I’m damn powerful”.