What are the three most common turnoff’s that end a relationship within the first month? 

We’ve all had it happen. You go see a film, get drunk, text flirt, divulge your hatred towards your boss and then have sloppy sex, hot sex, bad sex and good sex. Yes, you’ve finally met the guy for you! Feeling confident and fulfilled you start to spread the word to your girlfeinds about this ‘perfect’ new man and then BAM, he’s out.  

What the fuck happened? 

Our three male authorities on sex and relationship weigh in and tell you straight up the shit you may be doing to burn through relationships and make him squirm and skiddadle within the first thirty days: 

———–

ALAN BATROSSE

Where Did The Hot Dates Go?

Guys romanticize things and then start kicking over the statues, so to speak. You meet, you click, the sex is great and the conversations keep you up late. Then reality sets in and you wonder if the lust is turning to anxiety. You talk through the same things over and over and you don’t want to keep dwelling on issues. I don’t think many guys actually want to have to work on ANY of our own issues during the first month, other than sexual ones.

The Sidekick Syndrome:

You know everything about her, she would be happy if you wore a muzzle. You more or less provide punctuation for her stories. You think people refer to you as the silent guy that Ms. Vibrant goes out with. Common symptom: Walking home angry and then completely boring your friends over the phone.

The Immutable Law Of Outfits:

If she wears the same clothes that she wore on the first date every subsequent time that you see her, things will go south before the month is out.

———-

VINCENT DARKBLOOM

I’m assuming that if you’re in a relationship that’s hit the one-month cut-off, you find most things about your girlfriend–appearance, intelligence, sense of humor, gun collection–in good standing. Therefore, three things that would turn me off if those basic requirements are met (I need a girl to own at least twelve semiautomatic weapons) are: 

        

Neediness.  This is a pretty standard one, I know, but it can show up in small ways beyond the cliche of frequent phone calls and the like.  I don’t advocate major games-playing, but a little mystery is nice, especially at the start of a relationship; most men want to feel like their catch is somewhat hard-won, and if it’s clear the girl is overjoyed that you are paying her attention, we fear that you’d be overjoyed that anyone is paying you attention.  So be a little aloof, make us feel like you’re fine being on your own (or at least being without us), and we’ll be yours.  We’re that simplistic. 

        

Poor hygiene.  Again, this can show up in subtle ways, from armpit-stains to soiled undersides of toilet seats.  You don’t have to be a neat freak, but–double standard, sadly–we expect our girlfriends to be neater, cleaner, and smell nicer than we do.  It’s one of the beautiful foreign territories femininity represents to us. 

Bad friends.  You can tell a lot about a person from his or her friends, and, for a variety of reasons, most men not only don’t get along that well with their girlfriends’ friends, but they downright dislike them.  You can’t change this, necessarily, but you can either limit your mutual time with them–at least at the beginning–to give your boyfriend some time to adjust, or you can acknowledge that they may not be his favorite people in the world but they’re important to you.  They’ll probably never become BFFs, but opening up and addressing the issue can help. 

————-

MARCO POLO


“I love you”  

If a girl says she loves you within the first month and really means it, she’s probably psycho…or on meds. Or should be on meds. Either way, meds. And new girlfriend time. 

“Space Invader” 

This problem is best described in arcade vernacular. The game begins, you work hard all day to knock off all the bad guys. Then you go home and hop behind your little shield for the last few. You feel safe. You could smoke a joint. Maybe take your pants off. Well, the bullets or the shield don’t work on this girlfriend – she’s your co-pilot. You better just kill off the rest of your men and start over. 

“Seeing the Wizard” 

This condition can be summarized by the push up bra. Everything is grand and billowing when the big show is on. But when the curtain finally drops – you’re hoping the performers don’t follow. Painted on face, wigs, boob jobs are all in this category and qualify your lucky new girlfriend for…her walking papers.  

———-

Reading these assortment of useful tips, my post analysis is as follows: 

– Carefully choose impression #1 girlfriend and keep the obnoxious ones or Debbie downers out of reach in month one.

-Stop doing all the talking, you aren’t that interesting – let him shine for a few minutes now and then.

– Month one is for learning about each other, not for making grand life altering plans. He’s not your husband of twenty years, enough nagging already!

– Brush your teeth and wash your cooch.

– If you want to understand how he is thinking, pretend you are a video game or a character in Lord of the Rings. Huh? Yeah…sometimes you just won’t understand why he ditched you, but then again if he does, then he ain’t worth a tap of your hot ass anyway.