Hi there Lana Louise,
I’m having a problem right now that I’ve struggled with before and it seems to come up every once in a while so I need to fix it!
I have a boyfriend who I love and I know loves me, but after talking with many guy friends in the past (including my boyfriend), I now that he, and most guys, jerk off to different women all the time. Which seems obvious and normal, but when you’re in a relationship with a guy, it’s hard to get past it. I’ve had different friends tell me that they’ve jerked off to me which is honestly flattering…if you’re both single. I like to know every so often if my boyfriend has jerked off. I think its sexy, but then you ask the iffy question: ‘Sooo, what did you think of?’ hoping they say you. When you get no response, it’s obvious that it was something they can’t tell you about. It could be other men, or their friends, or a fucking horse, who knows! But am I the only one that feels guilty when the thought of another guy pops into my head? I couldn’t knowingly start masturbating about a friend I know I’ll see later, with my boyfriend in the other room. As a side note, our sex life is fine, so I’m not worried about that. Its just the fact that he could be thinking about one of the many girls he’s friends with and talks to all the time.

It seems like allowing yourself to think these thoughts is allowing yourself to feel its alright to cheat? At least, make cheating more plausible or real.

I need to find some way to have peace with this, because regardless of the fact that he loves me and is with me, I still feel bad knowing this is going on. I know I’m not going to control him so how do I control myself?
Thanks!

Oh, man, I totally love this question. Lots to work with. I’m going to have to start shortening my response before I even write it.

I can tell you’re thinking about this issue from both your perspective and his, which I love. Before I even address your concerns, I want to congratulate you for winning a huge intellectual victory—you absolutely can’t control him. by recognizing early that you will never, EVER, be able to control this guy’s masturbatory habits (or porn habits, or offensive sense of humor, or what have you), and you could very easily ruin your relationship by trying, you’ve already saved yourself quite a bit of grief. So pat on the back for that.

Now then, you’ve asked how to control your own insecurities about what he might be daydreaming of while—wow, the urge to fill the rest of this column with terrible euphemisms for beating off is incredibly overwhelming right now. You sound intelligent from your letter, and you have guy friends, so I actually think you already know exactly what “advice” I’m supposed to give you here. Chill the fuck out, guys are human, high sex drives, they think about different women, watch porn, this won’ t make him cheat, yadda yadda. You sound like you know all this, but you’re having trouble believing it. So I’m giving you homework. This is not metaphorical; you actually have to do two things for me.

Number One: go rent Fight Club. Remember that scene where Brad Pitt opens the door and he’s all sweaty and breathing and the camera pans right down to those drool-inducing muscle ridges above his junk*? Watch that clip. Then rewind it, and watch it again. One more time. Feel anything? Did the blood rush between your legs, maybe even just a little? If it didn’t, have a glass of wine or a frontal lobotomy or something and try again. I want to you get a little bit turned on, feel that subtle but uncontrollable urge to lick the screen. I’ll tell you why in a second.

Assignment Two: Masturbate. A lot. Your letter makes it sound as though masturbating is something that “guys do.” You should masturbate when you have time in a relationship. I could easily fill a column with reasons why it’s important to masturbate even when you’re getting laid on a regular basis (maybe I will… rubs hands; looks excited), but I’m thinking for you its particularly important. You need to get in touch with your sex drive as something which belongs to you, not your relationship.

You said yourself that your sex life is fine. If you like being with your boyfriend, and he likes being with you, who cares what you guys think about while you’re masturbating? You guys love doing each other, even though you both occasionally think about other people. You almost sound as though you’re worried because you just feel like you should be. Every guy in the world is going to occasionally find another female hot, and I think you might have an easier time coming to terms with this if you let yourself lust around a little too. Did you feel the sudden need to cheat on or break up with your boyfriend after letting yourself dream about Brad’s delicious-looking abs for a minute or two? There is a HUGE difference between getting a little horny when that hot guy down the street rides past your house and yanking him off the bike for a little roadside nooky. Hell, I’m willing to bet if you stare at that guy for an extra few seconds you might just end up pouncing your own man even harder next time.

I’m running out of space, but because you seem like a thoughtful human being I want to nitpick real quickly. Kindly indulge me. You wrote: “but then you ask the iffy question of ‘sooo, what did you think of?’, hoping they say you.” Please don’t ever ask him this question again. This is the masturbatory equivalent of “does this make me look fat?” and is absolutely designed to provoke dishonesty. You are fishing for flattering lies and I hate that shit. Hate it! If you want to hear a certain answer, then you’re not actually asking a question, are you? If you are genuinely curious about his fantasies, and won’t get all weepy if he mentions Jessica Alba or the entire [INSERT NAME OF CANADIAN BASKETBALL TEAM] cheerleading squad, then ask away. But we are all entitled to our own personal thoughts and if I was the queen of relationships I believe my first royal decree would be to strike all such insecure non-questions (“Do you love me as much as I love you? Do you miss me when I’m gone? Do you think I’m prettier than her?”) from the English language and force anyone who missteps a mandatory year-long sexual dry spell, to commence immediately upon utterance of the words. Ahem. Wow, that felt good. As you were.

In other news: As you may have noticed, this is my first time doing the advice thing. If you totally hated it, well, ooops. But I had big fun, and have lots more to say about everything raunchy, so if you liked it keep the questions coming! Email asklanalouise [at] gmail [dot] com. Until next time, this is your very own sexual mistake-maker, virginity-taker, and occasional furniture-breaker, Lana Louise.

*In the interests of differing sexual preference, etc., I asked a few friends with wildly different tastes in men for their instant-girl-boner-inducing equivalent to this scene. I was expecting, I don’t know, some shirtless indie fellow or something, but somehow between three very different females we could not come up with a single male image that has ever been sexier than sweaty, greasy, Fight Club-era Brad. Go figure. (If you’re into ladies, of course, well, then you might want to rethink the whole boyfriend thing.)