Being an egomaniacal sonofabitch, I spent some time the other day looking through all of my wall posts on Facebook and noticed something — for every twenty women posting how awesome and hilarious I was, there was only one dude. Could my friendship scale really be this stacked? Conjuring up all the images of gaiety (not that kind) and laughter I’ve around pints, most of the faces staring back at me were female. It’s true, She Does The City readers. I have, somehow, despite having gone to an all-boys school, racked (!) up only girl friends. Good for you (I’m always in the market for new people to tell me I’m pretty), but bad for the XY chromosomes (seeing as I’m hella cool). This had me thinking though… Who makes for better friends? Girls versus boys? I thought I’d show you the pros and cons of both sexes here in handy list form. That way, after you laminate it (that’s what everyone does, yes?) you can have it with you when meeting strangers. Just remember, don’t take their candy! And stay the fuck away from the blue van!

I Know What Boys Like:

Pros:
– Tend to not talk shit about you behind your back. As in, "Mr. Roboto is such a slut. He was totally grinding on that guy on the dancefloor. What a whore". Truth or not, as Stephanie Tanner might say, "how rude!".
– Usually like beer, not cocktails. Same for nachos.
– Have penises.
– No crying when drunk.
– Like video games besides Rock Band, Guitar Hero and Dance Dance Revolution. Wii Fit doesn’t count. Can play those other games comptetively.

Cons:
– Often want to either participate in or watch sporting events of various sorts. Leave me out, save for the Olympic diving/swimming/anything with hot butterfaces (I’m talking to you, Phelps!) in tiny speedos competitions.
– Can have homophobic tendencies, which makes things awkward after we’re done with all the gay sex.
– Gay boys are direct competition! (Of course, without them, I’d have nobody to love excpet Palm-ela Hand-erson… Sidenote: Is there a male equivalent to that joke? If anyone knows, please tell me!!!)
– Get weirded out when I stare at their wangs in the locker room.

Girls Just Want To Have Fun

Pros:
– Typically don’t want to spend their Saturday nights watching — shudder — Hockey Night In Canada at — shudder — at a pub.
– Much more apt to enjoy Salt N’ Pepa than their male counterparts. Don’t know many dudes who would sing, earnestly, "girls what’s my weakness? MEN!".
– More likely to enjoy dancing. As above, Saturday nights were not meant for sitting in a pub watching a fucking hockey game. They were meant for shaking that junk in the trunk!
– It’s not weird when they show me their boobs.

Cons:
– If living with three or more, two (or more) will decide to hate the third, resulting in awkward situations abound when they talk shit constantly about third party.
– Both of us tend to like men. Sure, they might only go for one of us, except bisexuals (greedy bastards), but it may make for weirdness when you go home with the guy she liked.
– Too slow at shopping. Don’t use the tried and true method of simply holding the garment up at shoulder height to determine if it fits, rather, they need to try shit on.
– Wear high heels that are too uncomfortable, then complain that said shoes are too uncomfortable, then make me take a cab or simply remove shoes entirely.

Conclusions… We all suck. Especially men, but especially women. But really, especially children.