Prior to two years ago, before my third long-term relationship concluded, I hadn’t asked out a single guy.

When I was young, Seventeen magazine said that this was not required of me, in fact it was quite frowned upon and punishable by death-of-Tamagotchi. Girls did not chase boys. That was NOT how the world worked. In the eyes of Seventeen, if a female took control of her romantic life, she stunk of desperation, promiscuity and/or multiple cat ownership.

While I thought these gender conventions were ridiculous, who was I to argue with a venerable publication like Seventeen? Because I took their advice to wear scrunchies, I was a hair accessory legend in my high school. I owed them EVERYTHING. They were GODS and could do no wrong.

So I waited. I waited for the gentlemen to come to me and man, did they arrive in droves! (They absolutely did not).

And so, I was celibate until I was 21-years-old. Prior to my first boyfriend, I barely flirted with the opposite sex. I didn’t even know what the definition of flirting was. Seventeen described it as “smiling always, flipping one’s freshly Herbal Essence-d hair and chewing tape gum in a sensual manner.” One day I [tragically] combined all three of these examples and smiled as I flipped my locks into the gum I was chewing.

I hoped and prayed that a male would approach me, and eventually one did. And when it happened it was magical, and fairytale-like and lasted forever (read: It ended after one boring year).

Then the waiting began again. By the time I was 25, I managed to attain three boyfriends by saying ‘yes’ to every guy requesting to have a beverage with me. Now, three boyfriends doesn’t actually sound like I was doing too shabby in the ‘acquiring a BF’ department. But when you think about it in terms of how many times I was asked out (three times over 25 years), things looked bleak.

When the third boyfriend and I landed in splitsville I made a promise to myself.  I would only date people I was crazy about, which proved to be much more difficult than I thought, because as you get older, your standards get higher. With every BF came more requirements for my relationship checklist. I was no longer willing to compromise good sexual chemistry for good conversation or good conversation for good sexual chemistry. I wanted it all.

So, suddenly I was saying ‘no’ to the infrequent men who showed interest, which led to the triumphant return of my celibacy. I didn’t have intercourse with a person who wasn’t me for 8 months straight and I didn’t understand why. I was charming enough. Funny. Smart. I brushed my hair. I took showers. Hell, I even flossed twice a year. I was a catch! What was wrong with these dummies?! Could they not speak the language of CATCHINESS?

Problem was, I still wasn’t flirting and I still wasn’t pursuing and I still wasn’t noticing the opportunities around me. Until one fateful night when I took matters into my own hands.

I met an excellent gentle sir at a location which served libations. We drank and discussed the arts and the crafts. Eventually, the highly sophisticated conversation about papier mache came to an end and we separated for the remainder of the evening. Before I departed, I searched for his collage-loving face to say goodbye but alas, he had left. I wished I had done something about my attraction to him. But in typical Jess scrunchie fashion, I fell back into my “Seventeen magazine is my Bible” mode. “He’ll find me,” I thought. “If it’s meant to be, he’ll find me.” That’s when present Jess slapped past Jess across the face.

“Why would you wait for HIM to find YOU? Go find HIM ya idiot! YOU ARE YOUR OWN WOMAN”

Luckily for me, the Internet was invented so upon entering my home my libido turned on my computer, added him on Facebook, and shot off a message, which said something around the lines of “LET US FUCK NOW.” Kidding. Kidding. I joke. I joke. It was more, “Hey! We met tonight and talked about pipe cleaners. What are you up to tomorrow? We should hang out if you’re free!”

Now, I know this sounds ultra-casual and not monumental in the least but it was a big deal for me. I had never reached out to a male like this. But I was so drawn to his mind and his crotch that I couldn’t hold back. I made myself vulnerable and opened up the possibility of rejection. I didn’t even like being the rejector nevermind the rejectee. “If he says no I’m going to jump out this first storey window,” I thought. “I won’t be able to go on. I should write my Will this minute.” You could say I was being dramatic and you would be right, but again this was more monumental than it seemed.

I sat and stared at my computer for 15 excruciating minutes. I tried to distract myself but I always ended up back at the desk, wondering if my soul was about to be crushed. Then he responded. I gently opened up the message and it read “Yes! I would like that!” I screamed in joy, leapt up from my chair and punched the air. I waved farewell to my celibacy and said hello to my powerful, badass, independent, makin’-my-own-damn-choices self.

We had a two week-long boink session and although it was brief, it permanently changed me as a person. The first time you do anything it’s painful, but it gets easier the more you do it, and asking people out is no exception. I was slightly less terrified when I messaged the next guy and after getting rejected (which I have been often) I realized that it’s way worse in my head than it is in reality. Don’t get me wrong, I do not take rejection lightly, especially if it’s someone I genuinely have feelings for, but I always get over it and I always recover and I’m always stronger because of it.

Because I’m involved in the decision making of who I go on dates with, I’m going on better quality dates and having better quality lovah-making. I can’t believe I didn’t operate like this from the beginning. I wouldn’t allow someone else to control my career,  so why did I let it let it happen in regards to romance?

The answer: Seventeen magazine.

Asking out people is not desperate. It is not pathetic. It is the exact opposite. It is brave. It is fearless. It is exhilarating and everyone should do it.