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Dear Katie,

Part of my job involves being in touch with people who could help me/hire me, but I’m meant to do so in a natural, non-desperate kind of way. In fact, the whole thing feels horrible because I feel like they know what I’m looking for and that I’m pretending to be their cool friend just so I can get what I want from them — that’s not how I wanna show up in the world! How can I navigate the professional requirements vs. my personal values when it comes to networking?

The most difficult part of being an artist is the mental gymnastics you need to engage in to remain sane. Start stretching, we’re about to do some acrobatics. 

My first piece of advice is to stop defining yourself so rigidly. Asking for a job and doing the job are the same thing, two parts of a whole. 

I confused them as two different things for most of my life. Other artists were not comrades in arms but a reason to feel inadequate. Any potential job was a direct route to anxiety, not an opportunity to create. 

Here’s the mistake I made. I was thinking too much about myself. 

You are, too. It’s not your fault. When working in a creative field, it’s too easy to confuse your identity with your work. Every loss, every win is an indictment or a celebration of you.

When you find yourself making an opportunity or a rejection about you, do some creative work just for fun. While creating, think about the greater purpose behind what you’re doing. Are you trying to make someone laugh? Cry? Feel seen? Are you trying to talk about how hard it is to be alive? 

The other issue here is contrast. 

You think your personal values are good, your professional desires are bad. Instead of positioning them opposite each other, inch them closer together. In reading your letter, it appears to me that you think you have genuine friends and work friends. Can these two groups of people become one in your mind?

I have been told I am good at networking. It’s true. I am sickly curious about people. It’s not benevolent. It’s a coping mechanism, a way for me to hide. Your question made me think about why I am so good at networking, neurosis aside. I boiled it down:

     1) I like people. 

The people who might hire me are people. Everything can be a creative act, even getting to know someone who could be your boss. I’d venture that if you scratch beneath the surface, you have something big and human in common with almost everyone.

     2) I am a nepo baby. 

Most likely, you are not, but stretch again. As a nepo baby, I’m rarely intimidated. I didn’t doubt that I could have a career in film. Every adult I knew had one. 

Mentally, try being nepo baby on for size. Isn’t it relaxing? Imagine your mom knew your boss when she was pregnant with you. That famous journalist dated your dad. The buzziest new producer in town was once your mom’s high school co-op student. You ate sandwiches with him every Tuesday when you were eleven. 

People had whole lives before they were a Big Deal. My nepotism allowed me to see behind the curtain. You can do that, too, if you use your imagination.

Here’s my final piece of advice.

Look at your feelings around ambition. Does it feel gross and dirty to you? Why? Ambition isn’t a bad thing. It’s a brave thing. It is an act of hope; you believe in your future.

The underside of ambition is jealousy. What role does jealousy play in your life? There is no shame here, Beyonce, Bob Dylan, Scorsese and even Zadie Smith get jealous. I was very jealous when I was younger but after a lot of heartbreak and hard work, I realized jealousy was again, a way to be selfish. I was making other people’s lives about me. 

My closest friends are more successful filmmakers than I am. Their success makes me happy. I am so grateful they are always only a text away. They are the only people I can truly commiserate or rejoice with. 

It’s okay to be straightforward about what you want. The best way to do it is to come from a place of being of service — to your friend, to the project, to whatever it is you’re courting. Make it about helping. 

If you’re nervous about approaching friends for a job, here’s some very practical advice:  

  • If I know the job is either way too big for me, or way too small – “I’d love to help in any way.”
  • If I think I am right for the job – “I’d love to work on this. Can I send you X, as a sample of my work? There’s some overlap thematically.”
  • If I am not sure – “I think I might be right for this because (state reason) but totally understand if I’m not.”

You’re not going to be on your deathbed wishing you held back. Don’t try to be cool. Be warm. Be generous with your admiration. It costs you nothing to tell another artist you like what they’ve done. It’s not thirsty, it’s tenderhearted. It could be the encouragement that artist needs, in the face of their own self-hate and countless rejections.  

I’ll leave you with a quote by Susan Sontag, “Do stuff. Be clenched, curious…Stay eager.” 

Stay limber. 

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