I loved school. Not the annoying social part or how bad my hair was, but the learning. I was even lucky enough to be the kind of nerd that got straight A’s and managed to stay just cool enough to never get picked on. But as I’ve aged, and my hair has significantly improved, I’ve realized some of the things we learnt are either long forgotten or fully useless (BEDMAS, I’m looking at you)… and yet there is one subject we are NOT taught, that (as I have learnt this year) would be incredibly useful as an adult and… painfully… it involves my worst subject…. Math.

I’m talkin’ taxes. Oh god, my taxes.

Let’s go back in time to 1994: I’m crying on the kitchen floor eating pie, as my Mom tries to explain fractions to me (“well honey, you ate one WHOLE pie, had you stopped ten minutes go, that would have been HALF the pie…”). Jump to grade 8, or as I remember it… The Millennium (*reader, you now either think I’m very old or very young) where I had to get… ugh… a tutor to help me with beginner algebra – THE SHAME!

To think I might have missed my first high school dance… the Millennium Dance… had I not passed math! Thank god I did, because I got to wear my blue floor length halter dress and platform shoes! (Luckily I had 10 butterfly clips in my hair to bring the outfit together.) And then in grade 11, the last year I had to take Math in school… I got a B! WHAT?! This was obviously is my greatest failure in life, I should have ended it all there! But somehow, in spite of the B, I graduated, then got another degree and have completely forgotten math… who needs it? Who is it for? NERDS?? I’m not one of those—HAVE YOU SEEN MY HAIR??

So now it’s 2014. March. Tax season.

I would normally advise an H&R Block or “your own parents” approach to taxes, but this year I knew it would be different. I had spent most of my year working as either a freelance artist (woof, that makes me sound like a piece of human garbage) or a “contract instructor” (less garbage) (still, though). Which meant I was my own business. Gah whhaaa!? I needed to do my own taxes, to T my own 4’s, to add up my income, subtract my expenses, and calculate my tax bracket percentages. It was back… MATH. But I did it, and I’m officially a functional part of our society, so here’s what I learnt and the high school skills we’ve all forgotten that came in handy… How to do your taxes, using your old friend, BEDMAS!

B: Be prepared… start by keeping everything, I have a box full of receipts, invoices, and anything that might be a work-related expense. Also, don’t keep it organized, because the procrastination of putting your different receipts in little piles will make you really feel like you’re accomplishing something (and you will need the self-esteem boost). Now, what I didn’t have was a T4. That’s fine. Our technological world means there’s always online banking, plus you can call CRA (Canada Revenue Agency) for any missing T4’s. Being prepared also means “be prepared to have a full panic attack as you weep to Tax Agent 4567821 who will remind you that yes you CAN do your own taxes and she needs to hang up because other people need their T4 information.”

E: Expectations, lower them. There’s no way the government owes you more money that you made this year, and your tax refund will probably NOT payoff your credit card. I’m sorry.

D: Do your homework. Talk to people at CRA and free online services like TurboTax to get an understanding of what your taxes require…. Like did you know Ontario taxes and the Federal taxes have different “too poor to pay taxes” rates? I don’t know about you, but that $2000 means the difference between paying off my credit card or considering a new, less garbage-sounding career.

M: Memory. Remember when you got headshots, or a new desk, or transit passes? DAT SHIT IS WRITE-OFFABLE! Don’t have the physical receipt? Have the EMAIL receipt, oooooh doi ding dong! Now that you realize your memory is gone (let’s not forget what you did to your brain ages 16-26) use a damn calculator. You do NOT remember long division, fractions, algebra, or—who are we kidding—basic addition. Get a calculator.

A: Affirmation. We all need it, and when you’re crying on the floor, perhaps eating a pie, surrounded by receipts and T4s, panicking about owing money you don’t have and how an audit would ruin your life, call your Dad, or Mom, or a cool relaxed bud who will say great words of affirmation like “There’s no WAY you make enough money to pay taxes” or “I had a friend who got audited and made MORE money!” or ‘”You have GREAT hair!” This will help you click that final “FILE” button. And as you are flooded with the memory of every failure in your life—fractions, that B, how Tim McDowell wouldn’t dance with you because you were too tall in those platforms—remind yourself that you are a successful adult, you just filed your own taxes!

S: Scotch. You did it! You filed your taxes. You know what you owe or are owed. You will hear from the Canada Revenue Agency in a week or two, good or bad. And you are an adult. Get drunk.

So, remember BEDMAS for next year, and bravely step into the big bad school of adulthood, it’ll be a hell of a lot more useful than damn fractions!