I was recently standing in my kitchen wearing no pants eating peanut butter off of one of the three forks that I own (all of my one spoon were dirty) pondering the idea: How in the world am I STILL single?

Hi I’m Kaitlin, and it’s been about two years since my last relationship.

“Hi Kaitlin.”

At this point I have come to terms with the fact that I am very single. Not to say that I’m not trying to not be; I Tinder like crazy when I’m going poo in the morning, you better believe it. But as I live my day-to-day life, I notice some tell-tale signs that I have become very used to the fact that I am not in any kind of serious relationship. If you can relate to at least 40% of these, it might be time to make some serious changes. Here are those signs (be forewarned…a lot of these involve food):

1. I ordered a slice of Pizza Pizza and caught myself running home so that I could eat it faster. Once I realized what I was doing, I slowed it down to a nice respectable pace of extreme speed walking.

2. I had to force myself to chug orange juice to stop myself from shoveling Popchips into my face. They’re surprisingly flavourful if you haven’t tried them.

3. I once said to my best friend, “We need plastic cups so we can drink in the shower.”

4. I matched with a hot guy on Tinder and read his profile and noticed he was a “non-drinker.” I unmatched him immediately.

5. I was unclogging all of the hair out of my bathtub drain on a Friday night and a giant piece of wet hair slingshot into my eyeball.

6. I was cooking topless in the kitchen, as you do, and burnt the tip of my nipple. It made for in interesting explanation when I was hooking up with a guy. (“Oh that? That’s nothing. I just burnt myself when I was making Kraft Dinner at 3 a.m. topless. So you wanna bang in here or in the living room?”)

7. I’m twenty-nine years old and I still wear bathing suit bottoms as underwear…or underwear turned inside out. What? The laundromat is all the way at the end of the street.

8. I recently had to throw my danish out my car window so I would stop eating it. It was my second one in four minutes.

9. I recently started watching “Laguna Beach” again.

10. I picked a fruit fly out of my wine glass and continued to drink it as I watched my roommate get ready for a hot date while I sat in my oversized elephant print pajama pants.

11. It’s alarming how often I YouTube “kissing scenes from movies.”

12. Something I said recently: “Oh shit, I got cheese curd water all over my purse.”

13. I swept my carpet with a broom the other day.

14. I had to dry myself off with a sweater when I got out of the shower. This has happened on more than one occasion.

15. I found melted chocolate on my boob.

I’m not saying you should change yourself when you get into a relationship. I’m just saying that there is a certain level of comfortable that you tend to sink into when there isn’t that special someone to try and impress. But let’s not make that an excuse. Do it for yourself, dammit! Get out of those sweat pants, put down the Heavenly Hash and seize the day!

Now excuse me while I eat a brownie at 9 a.m. Naked.