Feminists have gotten a really bad reputation for being killjoys, which, in my experience, is completely inaccurate.

My militant feminist chums are some of the funniest and funnest people I have ever met. Yet, this idea that they can’t take a joke because they believe in gender equality continues to prevail. Apparently, if you think women are people, you need to seriously relax and smile more often, even though feminists smile as much as any human man does and if we didn’t, that would be fine too, ‘cause you don’t own our face muscles, patriarchy!

Feminists, like myself, know how to have a good time. I work (kind of) hard and I play super hard. I party on the weekends. I party on the weekdays. I party in the morning. I party in the afternoon. I party in the evening underneath the moon. I party at baptisms. I party at funerals. The party never stops in my world and if you want to have an exhilarating feminist girls night out like I do on the regular then just follow my consent-filled schedule below. I promise it’ll be one hell of an equal opportunity riot!

Begin the night by having an anti-tea party tea party

I don’t know about you, but I need a little jolt of caffeine to get my engine started for an evening of mayhem. This might be a bit of espresso, a cup of green tea or the blood of my enemies, which I consider an energy drink. While you’re sipping, you can discuss how Ron Paul is the anti-Christ, how Rand Paul is the second coming anti-Christ and how Sarah Palin thinks she’s the birth mother of the anti-Christ (but she’s actually just the annoying step-mother who won’t go away).

Do your makeup/hair in whatever way makes you feel the most like Beyoncé and/or Solange and/or their mom

The Knowles are the true Royal family and I want to emulate all of their essences all the time. Now, my interpretation of Beyoncé essence is putting on red lipstick, thick eyeliner and dry shampooing my hair. Your interpretation may be applying no make-up, shaving your head, and temporary tattooing your face. You do you! And, if at some point in the evening a man dares to tell you that he prefers a “natural woman,” you are 100% in your right to dump a bucket of glitter on him (that shit doesn’t go away for days).

Slip into a short skirt or a full leotard or a literal potato sack, ‘cause you wear what you want, girl

No one can slut-shame you tonight. You are Sasha Fierce and you do NOT take bullshit. You want to walk around topless with tassels on your nipples? Do it! You want to wear a toque, winter boots, and three parkas? Do it! You want to put on a huge vagina costume you ordered from a party store online and make every and any guy who comes into contact with you highly uncomfortable? Do it! (Also, you are officially my hero.) Pick what you will from your closet, ‘cause the theme of the night is CHOICE, BABY. And if anyone dares to try to objectify you, fart in their beer. The ultimate feminist act.

Pre-drink by doing shots of tequila out of your menstrual cups

Why would you use boring old glasses when you have a silicone cup that was recently inside of you sitting in the dish rack? There is nothing gross or shameful about your period so drink from the chalice of your menstruation already! And if you don’t like alcohol, opt for some tomato juice to make things even more realistic and disturbing and FUN! Make sure to snap some photos of the tomato juice in the cup so you can Instagram ‘em and your aunts can get that update on your life they’ve been wanting for a while.

Dance to music exclusively by female artists and pretend that men do not exist

We all know that feminists don’t hate men and that ridiculous idea was thought up by a chauvinist dude who was probably rejected by a girl in high school. However, sometimes misandry is just a goddamn blast and occasionally I like to surround myself with women, listen to female musicians, close my eyes and imagine that high levels of testosterone are a thing of the past.

Write down inspiring quotes of your feminist idols on pieces of paper and smoke them

Rolling papers aren’t always needed when you have the words of powerful ladies and leftover computer paper you have no use for any longer. Put some tender ingredients in the papers and let your lungs inhale their sweet, sweet wisdom. Make sure to purchase the ingredients from a female dealer who is just trying to make a living for herself in a male-dominated industry while also getting a PhD in engineering on the side.

Snort a few lines of crushed birth control pills

Which your place of work totally paid for! Woo! That high is on your lame boss, Steve! If you don’t take birth control, powdered sugar will do the trick nicely. If you’re straight and have a penis romp later in the evening in which the condom breaks, do some lines of Plan B as well. That’ll need to hit your eggs HARD so snorting it is the best way to go. Be warned though, most parties are BYOPB.

It’s time to strap on your shoes, hop in a cab, and head straight to “the club” aka a men’s rights conference

This is when the night truly begins. Kick those doors open, find the first group of hot guys that you see, confidently saunter up to them and immediately launch into a rant about reproductive rights. If they attempt to mansplain anything, interrupt them with statistics about street harassment. Pretend you are conducting a chorus and that chorus is your issues with gaming culture. Whip out a vibrator and use it like a baton. Don’t stop lecturing until all of their balls have shriveled up and Elizabeth Warren is elected leader of the free world.

Exit the club, locate a pub, and begin breastfeeding other people’s babies in public

There should be TONS of babies at the bar so you’ll have plenty to choose from. Get permission from the moms first and after you get a solid go ahead let that baby’s mouth go wild on your boob. Likely no milk will drip from the nip, but the rush will be unbelievable. This will either attract more men who you can yell at or disgust more men who you can yell at. Regardless, the night is heating up.

Next on the schedule? A house party and a cool intersectional orgy!

Gather a large group together and make sure it’s diverse in gender, race, sexuality, body shape, and age. Initiate the stripping of the clothes and the making out of the mouths and the engaging of the coitus. Please note: the coitus should be 90% cunnilingus and 10% more cunnilingus.

End the party by burning photos of misogynists in a barrel while casting spells

Nothing says goodnight like forming a coven, setting fire to the smug grins of sexist assholes, and cursing your inappropriate male coworkers who need to immediately quit it with the random winking.

Then head home, get into your pajamas, and begin your slumber party with a six-hour marathon of Golden Girls

Talk about a perfect ladies night out.