by Sam Banack

1. INFLUENCE by Mary Kate and Ashley with special section from crystal meth-cum-mom Jodie Sweetin
A little light reading for Uncle Jesse to keep updated on family matters – full of celebrity, fashion and scandal; through photos and passages and a tell-all by Jodie Sweetin about her troubled times with meth and recent divorce…. These girls need you more than EVER Uncle J!!!! (Oh c’mon…as if you aren’t dying to spend Dec 26th peeling through this juicy book with a side of fruitcake and tea)
http://www.penguin.ca/nf/Book/BookDisplay/0,,9781595142108,00.html
$38.00

2. Face Shield
For protection during hairspray application…. Can a person sue for the copyright infringement on behalf of a fictional character? We all know Jesse was the genius behind this little piece of beautification technology
http://www.protechdesigns.net/disposable_face_shields.htm
$9.95

3. Show off his jingles!
Record your CD’s – Lyse Maheu has been creating these fantastically creative and original cd holders under the name Machin Chouette out of Quebec City since 1995. She finds great old album covers and repurposes top hold your modern day equivalents. She’s been to the One-Of-A-kind Show for the past few years and you can order them off her website. Uncle Jesse’s love of all things classic rock would make this a perfect gift for him
http://www.machinchouette.com/eshop/index.php?page=shop.browse&category_id=6&option=com_virtuemart&Itemid=1
$75, plus tax

4. Harley Davidson cuff watch
We all remember Uncle Jesse, back in his leather-wearing, hog-riding, big-hair-lady-lovin days…. This watch has all that wrapped nicely round his wrist in a kick ass timepiece that even Aunt Becky can’t be mad at.
578 Front St. West
Price unavailable at this time

5. Gotstyle?
Ummm… hello, of course he does… Any cool rocker uncle type would be lucky to score a few items from Gotstyle, the urban man’s style oasis on King. Gotstyle helped us pic top Uncle J items:
– John Varvatos Biker Jacket $450
– SAND Black Tone on Tone Striped Dress Shirt $250
– Monarchy Grey Jeans $250
– John Varvatos Black Wooden bottom dress shoe $395
(Anyone still doubting Uncle Jesse’s style should check out how he can rock the Dashiki in this clip: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dr_WZ3NSw4Y )

6. Hand Crafted Guitar
The splurge in the stocking… It may be a little pricey, but a real rocker like Uncle Jesse is totally worth a handcrafted, custom-designed piece of music-making magic. A custom guitar from Noah Vachon would be the most amazing present for the man who brought us Hot Daddy and the Monkey Puppets
http://noahvachonguitars.com
Base price $2000 – sheet, cut it out!

7. ShamWOW
You may have seen the obnoxious ad on TV but have you tried soaking up water mess with this thing? SHAM WOW!! We know that Uncle J would use this to wipe up sippy cup messes and buff his motorcycle. However it might also double as one of those under the bed handy towels – if you catch my drift. Further, nothing is more fun to say than SHAM WOW – except for maybe CHOW CHOW.
https://www.shamwow.ca/flare/next?tag=ED|SM|GO|GN|CA|
Order today and they’ll DOUBLE YOUR ORDER – $19.99 (plus exorbitant S&H)

8. HP Sauce
Found at most local Dominion’s and Loblaws. Oh sorry, I meant Metro and Loblaw. Give this guy’s guy the ultimate man sauce…and he may give you his. DIRTY – I have no idea how much it is.

9. Leather C&B ring – Two toys in one. The first ring fits as usual while two straps delightfully separate the scrotum. This ring both looks and feels great.Come As You Are, 701 Queen St. West, www.comeasyouare.com
$18

10. ELVIS new and old.
Whether it’s a White Christmas with Elvis or new Elvis remix cd: Elvis VS Spankox, Uncle Jesse is sure to get all shook up over these sweet numbers. Available at HMV for 19.99 and 17.99 respectively.

11. Horseback Riding Adventure in Collingwood
Uncle Jesse would love an afternoon huffing fresh air on the Niagara Escarpment on top of a purebred Canadian stallion. More info?
http://www.blueactivities.com/winter/horsebackriding.html
Prices vary on how long you ride.

12. Vicks Vapo Rub
Is there anything hotter than rubbing Uncle J down with some nasal clearing Vicks Vapo Rub on a cold winter night? Humidifier, hot water bottle and some tingly Vicks = recipe of desire…but just be cautious of where you rub.
Available at your local drugstore.
Approx $7.