By Jen Houston 

Do you have the hots for the adorably-quiet bassist from that cool new indie band? What about the dirty-in-a-hot-way punk-rock singer? Does the classical pianist who’s wild-behind-closed-doors push you over the edge? These tips will help you successfully nurture a relationship with that enigmatic beast of a creature called “Musician.” 

1. Don’t bug him at a performance. 

Would you want to be hit on at work? Constantly pawed at by your partner in the middle of a business meeting? If he’s a stranger, keep it casual and don’t come off like too much of a fan. Don’t rush up for a photo or autograph. Wait to be introduced by a mutual friend if possible; if not, sending a beer over is a casual way of saying you’re interested in more than his music. Don’t bother overloading on merch; while you may be trying to buy his love, he’s likely to see you as just a wad of twenties. If you’re already with him, understand that he will need some time to load-in and soundcheck before the set, as well as pack up the gear afterwards. In addition to that, often legitimate business meetings are conducted at shows; he may be required to chat with a promoter, booking agent, manager, or press. Including the performance, this usually means that you’ll be spending at least an hour without the company of him or his bandmates. If you don’t know the crowd, bring a friend so you don’t feel like a tag-along, and always remember, this is his job. 

2. He will have to go on tour. 

If he’s really working hard, he will have to go on tour. This means that you’ll be apart for weeks (if not months) at a time. He should reassure you of his commitment to your relationship, contact you regularly, and limit his partying – after all, this is a business trip. If he refuses to do so, or shows any signs of a wandering eye, don’t bother waiting around for him. Beyond this, you will have to rely on your trust, and if you don’t have enough, you might as well find a mate with a different career. 

3. Give him a room for all his gear. 

Take a tip from Jennifer Garner’s character in Juno, and fill that spare room with all the instruments and equipment he needs to conquer the world (and all the broken stuff he insists he’ll repair one day.) He’ll be so grateful, he may actually keep it clean. 

4. He might make a little (or rather, a LOT of) noise. 

He may practice a new instrument (saxophone, trombone, Gong!) while you are trying to read, watch/listen to something else, or just really need a moment of peace and quiet. Right now you’re saying, “oh, I won’t ever mind, I love music.” Well the learning part seldom sounds like music, and you will definitely mind after the one millionth squeaky note. Of course, you can’t make him give up his dream of becoming a world-famous oboe soloist… so hopefully you followed #3, giving him a more secluded place to express himself. 

5. Take care of him when he comes back from tour. 

After living in a van with four other guys for a month, he will be stinky, messy, dopey, hungry, grumpy, sleepy, and about a hundred other qualities dwarves could be named. Make sure the fridge is stocked full of food that’s easy to prepare, and that he has a clean towel and clean clothes to change into. Also put together a basket of his favourite toiletries; deodorant, toothpaste and a new toothbrush, q-tips, shaving cream and razors… anything he’ll need to feel like himself again. It will show him not only that you love having him home, but also that you recognize the hard work it takes to pull off a month-long tour. 

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Turns out being a musician’s significant other is almost as hard as being a musician… 

While no piece of advice is guaranteed to keep your relationship alive, these tips are sure to ease the friction caused by this very trying situation. I’ve been living it for four years, four albums, and five tours now (and counting.) Even though your budding superstar may be gone a lot, he still needs a solid home to come back to. Give him the groundwork he needs to build on: if he’s worth his salt, he won’t let you down!