Hello again awkward men and awkward women. I hope you’re well.

My awkward moment of the week came when I held a door open for a woman who was way farther away than I thought she was. And then I said “you’re welcome” before she had said, “thank you.”

***internal screaming***

Anyway, aside from screaming in the street I’ve also been thinking a lot about dates. Specifically first dates. Guys, first dates are heavy. Grab your weird body parts and get ready for something everyone at every age struggles with, no matter how many hidden sweat-guards they own. We can do this.

1. GETTING DRESSED AND FEELING #BLESSED.
If you’re like me, you will need approximately 17 hours to get ready for a first date. (It should be noted that on my first date ever I wore baggy jeans and a shirt that said “Who Let The Geckos Out?” I’m surprised he could control his boner.)

What you wear depends entirely on where your date destination is. The standards are usually dinner, bowling or a movie. Maybe a combo of the two. I would suggest (as I typically do) wearing something comfortable with maximum expansion power. Your date at some point will ask if you want to try a bite of their food. It’s up to you to take the biggest bite possible to show them that you do NOT fuck around. (Sorry for swearing, I am just v. passionate about food.)

You’ll want to spray yourself with perfume/cologne about 50 times. Areas to reach: your face (x 10), your pits (x 10), your feet (x 10), your crotch (x 20). Before leaving, check out your teeth for anything stuck in there. And your butt, but that’s just for you.

2. Your first encounter.
How well do you know this person? Are you in the hug zone? Do you want to make this corporate and extend your arm for a handshake? Should you French kiss??

Maybe just stick your tongue out, close your eyes and see if they meet you in the middle. If you open your eyes and they are looking at you weird just say, “trying to catch a snowflake on my tongue! Haha!” and crab walk away. Even if it’s a beautiful, sunny day out. A friend of mine (imaginary) told me to ALWAYS start a date with a joke to help loosen things up.

3. You can’t spell “DATE” without “E-A-T.”
Sometimes in life you will have to go to fancy places because someone forces you to go there. Going out to fancy dinners is dreadful. The music is always set to “elevator” and they place utensils in front of you like you’re actually going to use them.

It can be stressful and also I didn’t even know there were different sizes of forks until I watched the movie Titanic. (I also hadn’t seen another woman’s bo-jangles until that Kate Winslet scene, but may I say, well done Winslet.) If it helps, bring a VHS, DVD & Bluray copy of it with you to the restaurant. Make them play it on the TVs if they have them. If they ask to help you with your cutlery, politely decline and insist they play the movie so you can see how to properly eat like fancy people do.

4. Awkward Conversation.
If you can, stop talking about your cat for a couple seconds. It’s important to ask THEM questions. Like, “do you have a cat?”

5. The bill has arrived.
AVOID PAYING AT ALL COSTS. It doesn’t matter if you’re a man or a woman. It’s 2014. We’re a progressive people! You can be a dirtbag no matter what your gender!

GUYS. I’m not a complete monster. I promise. It’s not like I expect my date to pay every time… I simply choose to cry until the waiter gives us everything for free.

6. They walk you to your door or vice versa. Either way – this is the scariest moment of your entire existence.
LIKE, WHAT EVEN ARE THEY THINKING? ARE THEY GOING TO KISS YOU? DO YOU HAVE FRESH BREATH? WHAT IF THEY TRY TO STEAL YOUR MONEY? WHAT IF THIS WAS A PRANK? AM I DEAD? ARE WE DEAD? AM I A GHOST?

Take a deep breath.

If you don’t have a bottle of tequila handy, hit your head really hard on a blunt object nearby. THAT way if they kiss you when you wake up from being unconscious, you will be dizzy and not really present for it.

If all of it is too much for you, politely tell your date that you have a no kissing on the first date rule, but you look forward to having a knife fight with your tongues in the future. Then maybe do a 5-minute stand up routine about dating.

“Ha Ha! It’s like… what’s with dates, right? Like… could they BE any more uncomfortable??” then lay down on your front step and tell them you’re going to bed now.

7. Once they have walked away:
Text them immediately: “I had a great time. I’m typing this in my sleep. I’m not desperate or whatever. LOL, just being Lighthearted Out Loud!”

Then just wait for the second date invitation to roll in.