Hello again awkward men and awkward women. I hope your week was filled with a crazy amount of awks tawks.

My awkward moment came in the form of accidentally making eye contact with a man in the feminine hygiene section of the grocery store and saying “YIKES” to him. Yikes.

There’s nothing I love more than going to movies. The sights, the scents, the CINEMA! That being said, the movie theatre is a minefield full of awkward. So without any further a-view (LOLOLOL), here is YOUR guide to movie theatres!

1. ALWAYS GO ALONE.
Everyone is probably busy just like when you asked them to hang out last Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday and Tuesday… but that’s COOL, because YOU’RE cool. You don’t need a friend! They’re just dead weight! Plus there are so many pros to going to a movie alone, LIKE:
Better seating options. ALSO: You’re less intimidating alone, so single babes will totally sit beside you. AND: if there are no single babes, you can join a couple and make a “guess we’re a tricycle tonight” joke. Couples love those. #datenight

2. The Concession.
This is probably my number one reason for going to the movie theatre. GOD BLESS YOU, CONCESSION FOOD. Remember when options used to be so limited? They had popcorn and Twizzlers and THAT WAS IT. Well, my friends, 2013 is NOT for basic bitches. Allow me to introduce you to pizza, nachos, slurpees, and all of the candy imaginable. I don’t know about you guys, but I have a raging food boner right now. It’s important to not lose your cool and yell, “YO DID I STUTTER?” when the cashier asks, “are you sure?” when you order one of everything. Of course you want one of everything. You’re not a damn fool. Kindly hand him/her the milk crate you brought from home and start loading your food and beverages into it.

3. DON’T FORGET NAPKINS!
Rookie mistake. The food is heavy and your movie stub is starting to form a new skin on your soft drink container. You’re going to need napkins for a few reasons, including (but not limited to): wiping the butter off your fingers, soaking up tears (when you cry when your food runs out), and to write your number on when cool babes ask for it/that couple gets interested.

4. Finding the perfect seat.
THE MIDDLE. IS. EVERYTHING. I know our hearts typically fall for the look of a cold, dark corner, but hear me out, my lonesome lionst: being in the middle of the screen actually makes the movie look better. WHO KNEW? Finding the perfect seat will give you more bang for your buck. (I’m sorry for using the word “bang” and making you uncomfortable.)

Ideally, the theatre is empty. Or you’re sharing it with five other people. Unfortunately, if it is a newer movie, there is a good chance it will be packed with a bunch of hideous mouth breathers. Your options are as follows:
– arrive 5 hours before the film starts
– hiss at anyone who comes near
– wear a T-shirt that says “Theatre pee-r.”
No one will sit near you. That’s an Awkward Girl’s Guarantee.

5. The Previews.
By now you are 80% done your concession feast. People around you are like, “wow, he/she is so brave to take on their very own movie theatre food challenge.” But you’re not just a pretty stomach; you’re more than that. You’re a film connoisseur. To prove that, try saying something like, “Wow. That was powerful,” after every movie trailer. It shows that you know a lot about art and cinema and your own emotions. If you can, shed a single tear to show how serious you are about this.

6. Turn Your Cell Phone Off.
Few things make my blood boil more than seeing the blinding light of someone else’s cell phone during a movie. The warning before the movie is never enough, people will STILL use their cell phones. If you’re like me, take the extra precautions to ensure that this does not happen during your special movie night.

Calmly stand up and shout, “I SWEAR TO GOD, I WILL PEE ON ANYONE WHO USES THEIR PHONE DURING THE MOVIE. I’M SERIOUS, I AM A THEATRE. PEE-R.” And then point to your shirt. And then, I dunno, say something fierce like, “Nobody puts baby in a corner.” It won’t make sense, but they’ll be like, “Wow, he/she watches movies and I respect that.”

7. The movie starts.
Always applaud right away. It’s just respectful.

8. EMERGENCY: YOU HAVE TO PEE.
And miss the movie? I don’t think so. By now you have sucked back an XL coke and admitted to everyone via T-shirt that you love to pee in theatres, so you have a giant cup that you can use and no shame to lose. Guys, this is obviously an easier trick to pull off. Girls, that’s what Twizzlers were invented for. Use your imagination.

9. THE MOVIE IS DONE. OH MY GOD. WHY? WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?
You’re crying, the people beside you are getting up to leave, but you need them for moral support. Cling to them. Lay down on the ground and clutch their leg if you need to. You deserve this. They have been your friends for two and a half hours. You’ve been through so much. The least they can do is cradle you like a baby and tell you it’s gunna be fine.

10. Make immediate plans with your new friends/accidentally puke on them because you ate too much stuff that was probably made out of cardboard/ Give  famous director your business card/ ask them for a ride home.

You did it! Happy film watching, cine-philes! See you at those “VIP” theatres that sell booze!

You did it! See you at those “VIP” cinemas that sell booze! Happy film watching, cinephiles!