Well, the nice weather is finally here and so are a thousand billion beautiful summer weddings. Now I haven’t been invited to a wedding for a long time (probably for the best since high heels make me walk like a newly born baby giraffe) but that doesn’t mean I/you should not be prepared. So without any further “I-Do” (**just laughed by myself for two solid minutes at that one**) here is OUR guide to weddings. Finally, a win for the Awkwards.
1. RSVP
Nice floral invitation, Lisa and Brandon. I would’ve gone with something a little more Buffy-themed, but THAT’S JUST ME (And my dream fiancé: Angel the vampire).
So, first thing’s first, awkward pals: It’s important to remember that you don’t actually have a significant other when responding to this RSVP. Apparently it’s annoying and a “waste of a meal” if you bring your Peter Dinklage-shaped body pillow as a date. (Little heads up would’ve been nice, SARAH, is all I’m saying.) The bride and wedding planner appreciate prompt responses, so if you can, drive the invitation to their doorstep an hour after you receive it in the mail. And then say you were just in the neighborhood even though you are from Canada and you are standing in Michigan.
2. Say yes to the dress/ Wear Chucks with your tux.
They say you should never wear white to a wedding, but I say PUSH THE ENVELOPE! In fact why don’t you make a suit/dress out of envelopes? That would be a cool outfit at a Project Runway wedding I bet.
I guess you should probably find something that expands a lot since free food basically grows on trees at weddings. I’m sure you could find something made out of sweat pant material online. Always wear a corsage. It shows that you like to have fun in a very classy way.
3. Buying a gift.
A $300.00 toaster on your gift registry? How badly do you need this ugly dinnerware set? Bitch, please. I’m getting you a signed Doctor Who poster. YOU’RE WELCOME.
4. Tardiness.
Never show up to a wedding on time. I usually aim to show up just as the bride is going down the aisle. People will be like, “Wow, I didn’t know they were in the wedding party!!” You’ll really feel like you’re part of something. Plus you’ll be in SO many pictures! And babe? Memories last a lifetime.
5. Dinner etiquette.
It is Every. Man. For. Himself. Maybe they got the numbers wrong. Maybe they ordered under in case people didn’t show up. You never know! GRAB THE FOOD AND RUN. DON’T LOOK BACK. …EXCEPT THE WEDDING ISN’T OVER SO MAYBE COME BACK LIKE, AN HOUR LATER.
6. Speech! Speech! Speech!
People will tell you that you don’t have to say anything unless you’re in the wedding party. Well, you’ve already walked down the aisle with the bride and probably assisted in giving her away, so be prepared to give a speech! Starting a speech is the hardest part. Here are some ideas:
-“Webster’s dictionary defines “love” as…”
-“I knew _________ when we were just 5 seconds old”
-“__________ is my favourite Facebook friend”
-“Y’all ever notice how men and women are different?”
-Just play an N*sync song, drop the mic, walk away, into the woods, don’t look back.
7. Dancing.
Oh God. Thinking about dancing makes my spine do the wave. It’s all pointing and no leg movement and somehow there is always winking involved.
If someone asks you to dance, don’t fall for it: it’s a prank.
If you still decide to go for it, always curtsy or bow before you begin. That is what every elegant movie has taught us, and why would real life be any different?
I’ve had a lot of success with snapping, clapping, mouthing the words of the song, doing literal interpretations of the lyrics and just jumping up and down on the spot. If you have to slow dance with someone, be warned: either you or they WILL get a boner. It’s just science. So dance with your butt sticking out a little so that you don’t have to feel their weird teenage erection. Same goes for same-sex couples. Women get boners too, guys.
8. Getting drunk is paramount.
Alcohol is usually free and also an awkward person’s crutch. Janet said you couldn’t bring a date, so you’re drinking for two tonight! Just make sure to say “mazel tov” before each shot of tequila; it’s only polite.
9. The second speech.
This is the one that happens after you have had too much to drink. It usually comes right before you dedicate “I swear” by All 4 One to the happy couple. In this speech, there should be significantly more crying and use of the words “I love you guys.” It will be the best speech of their entire life according to only you.
10. Wait for all of the e-mails inviting you to everyone else’s wedding.
Because you were the most fun, intriguing, mysterious, awkward-yet-endearingly-whimsical fairy at the wedding. You do you, weird wedding guests. You do you forever.
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