Every year Mother’s Day comes around and I feel like ignoring it all together. For those of us who have lost a parent, holidays and special dates have a way of making grief feel stronger. It doesn’t help that, everywhere you go, there are constant reminders that Mother’s Day is upon us.

You try so hard to tune out the advertisement, avoid conversation about plans for Mother’s Day, or, in my case, try not to know what the exact date is. But when that Sunday comes around, it seems to be the sunniest day we’ve had all spring, and everyone is out with their families having brunch or going for a stroll. All of sudden my grief hits me and I remember that my family is fragmented, no longer what it used to be. Even though it seems that every family in Toronto is having a wonderful time, I remind myself that I am not alone, and there are others feeling that little bit of sadness in our hearts for the incredible women that were in our lives.

If you are new to your grief, or of the anticipation of this day is becoming overwhelming for you; here are some things that can help you cope.

Starting a tradition to remember your mom, or the loved one you lost, can be helpful. Get together with family and friends and do something that honours that loved ones memory. Have a dinner and make their favourite dish, or do something that they love to do or that you used to do with them, such as walks, gardening, bike rides. But be careful not to put too much pressure on your self, don’t think that this has to be a big event. Even just saying a few words about your mom and sharing those stories that were so joyful with others can be a nice tradition that you do every Mother’s Day.

Honour the other significant women in your life. There are women in my life (my grandmother, aunt, sister) that I admire and who have given me guidance, love and support. Making the effort to show how important their role has been may be a nice way to change the meaning of Mother’s Day for you.

Sometimes we need to just be alone and not surrounded with the constant messages that we are missing a very important person in our lives; and that’s okay! However, make sure there is someone close by or close to a phone who is understanding and supportive, just in case being alone becomes too intense.

If you only take one thing from this, remember to be gentle with yourself. There is no specific way to do this, every year what I do changes as I grow and get to know my grief.

There are resources to access if you feel you need that connection with others who lost a loved one or want to seek some more support about coping.

Book: Motherless Daughters: The Legacy of Loss by Hope Edelman

Services: Bereaved Families of Ontario-Toronto offer peer mutual support groups

Wellspring – Peer mutual support groups for those with loved ones who have died of cancer

~ Katie Jacobs, B.S.W., M.S.W., R.S.W.