Dear MJ,

My boyfriend and I have been going out for three years, and I’m finding that the sparks just aren’t there anymore. It actually feels like we have to build sex into our routine, otherwise it just doesn’t happen – and it NEVER happens without some wine.

Anyway it’s depressing me, as I used to consider myself a really sexually driven individual, and am missing that part of my life. I don’t want to break up with my boyfriend – as everything else is perfect, but have an idea of how to spice it up. Threesome? I’m open to two girls, but would actually prefer two guys.

Do you think if I went ahead with this plan, as the bf has expressed some interest – even though I think he’s a tad nervous that I’ll enjoy the ‘other’ too much – that my relationship would crumble? How does one find the right person to engage in a threesome, without having negative consequences?

Horny and Distressed.

Dear Horny,

First of all, cheers to you for working within your relationship rather than sneaking around behind your boyfriend’s back in some torrid sexual affair.

By negative consequences, do you mean:
– The potential that he’ll find the 2nd girl/ guy in really hot and keep thinking about her/him and possibly engage with that person down the road without you
– That you will
– That he won’t be able to get over picturing you getting stuffed by some dude and turn into an insecure jealous lunatic and that your slightly stale but otherwise perfect relationship will crumble (Eyes Wide Shut anyone?)
The way I see it, your question is two-fold.

The first question: How can you put the spice back into your sex life?
And,
The real question: How can you pull off getting nailed by 2 guys without freaking out your boyfriend?
Let’s start with 2)

Introducing a threesome into a long-term relationship is one of those things that I’m never 100% on.

If you do decide to do it, I’d suggest starting with a woman. It’ll be less threatening to your boyfriend than having another guy in the room and that way you can test the waters and see how you respond to the addition. It really comes down to how mature you both are. If you trust him and he you and it’s something you are both into, I say go for it. Will it affect your relationship? Probably.

As a short-term plan, a threesome should definitely add some spice to your sex life. The prospective discussion alone could be a very hot one. Then there’s the act itself, and the residual horniness as you discuss it together after the fact and the hours you can spend secretly playing it back in your head while he’s going down on you… I see at least a few weeks, if not months of zest as a result. But then what? Do you become the couple cruising bars and swingers clubs on a regular basis? Is the just-the-two-of-you sex going to improve much long term? Possibly.

Now, 1)

One thing I do know for sure is that you don’t want to end up becoming a raging alcoholic just to keep your sex life going. Therefore, here a couple of suggestions to help you get wet without wine:

ROLE-PLAYING. He’s a Good Samaritan going door-to-door shoveling driveways. Impressed by this display of raw male chivalry, you invite him in from the cold for a cup of cocoa and then… Or, he’s Santa and you’ve been a baaad girl this year: time for a spanking.

WATCH PORN TOGETHER. I find this does wonders. Just don’t watch it for too long, otherwise the bad acting and ridiculous story lines start killing the mood.

Better yet, MAKE PORN TOGETHER.

Perhaps it’s a sad reality that after several years in a monogamous relationship, the sex begins to lag a bit, but you replace it with other moments of happiness: Sunday brunch, antiquing, falling asleep next to a person you truly love and feel comfortable with and trusting somebody enough to share your deepest fantasies which they in turn agree to indulge. You clearly love and respect this guy so I wish you the best of luck at getting things back on track.

In the spirit of the season, why not make a list of all the naughty things you’d like to do to each other. And if you’re really feeling adventurous, shove a candy cane up your ass and invite him to suck it. If it breaks, you’re in for a different adventure altogether! Ho. Ho. Ho.

Yours in love,
MJ

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